Kittens become focus of American concern, and rightfully so

Denital Borts

For the seventh straight month, kittens have topped the list of the average American’s concerns, a recent study reports.

Edging out other issues like the performance of President George W. Bush’s first year in office or tensions in the Middle East, citizens across the country have been cranking down their field of focus until all they care about are cute, fuzzy kitties.

“It is historically common in times of great wealth and perceived security that people in various cultures and times forget about some important things,” said Dr. Taddy McGropenfeel, the lead researcher on the study.

“Sometimes the things they forget can be as essential as complacency over international issues, homeland security and a great, yawning evil just waiting to swallow this country whole as part of a fanatical, religious creed Ö or something, I don’t really know,” he said.

“Muffy wuffy woobie,” McGropenfeel added, picking up his three-week-old tabby cat Muffinshats and rubbing it against his face.

After the kitten was physically removed from the McGropenfeel’s grasp, the doctor was able to give examples of kittens being the leading indicators of crushing doom throughout history.

In 945, King Struddlehumpin, of what was then called Germania, overtook a key Roman city by secretly flooding it with kittens specially bred for uber-cuteness. The warriors and civilians alike were too busy hugging the kitties to realize Struddlehumpin and his barbarian hordes had raped their cattle and eaten their women.

When asked if this recent surge in young cats could be the precursor to a similar attack, McGropenfeel did not answer, mainly because he had gone to take inspirational photographs of his kitten hanging off branches.

Various commanders in the U.S. military and intelligence roundly denounced the suggestion that the nation was too infatuated with kittens and unknowing of the soulless demons that were barreling down upon it like a run-away dump truck of death.

“Mr. Snugglenut doesn’t think we’re in any danger, does he? Oh, no he doesn’t!” said Richard Myers, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, in a phone interview.

“My top agent, Precious Paws, says we’re going to be OK,” said CIA Director George Tenet.

An unidentified communications surveillance specialist at the NSA was heard cooing to an apparent kitten while alarm klaxons were clearly audible in the background.

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