From milkshakes to cherry pies

We plow rock and rap history for the best euphemisms about doin’ the deed.

Tony Libera

Rock âÄònâÄô roll, along with its close cousin hip-hop, has always been a musical genre thatâÄôs inextricably linked to knocking boots. Hell, the name itself is a euphemism for doinâÄô the deed, taken from early 20th century black slang. RockâÄôs contribution to the sexual lexicon is unquestionable. Why, if it werenâÄôt for rock, we may never have associated food and genitalia, and that would be a tragedy. Here are the top 15 rock and rap songs for all the infantile lovers of inâÄônâÄôout innuendo. 15. âÄúCherry PieâÄù âÄì Warrant Warrant represents the height of trashy hair metal, but weâÄôre forever indebted to their puerile dessert analogy. 14. âÄúMilkshakeâÄù âÄì Kelis Apparently it brings all the boys to the yard. But what exactly is a milkshake? Kelis claims itâÄôs whatever attribute a woman uses to lure in the Y-chromosomes, but most of us would guess it refers to blowies. 13. âÄúKnocking at Your Back DoorâÄù âÄì Deep Purple An ode to rear entry, the boys in Deep Purple just want to put their purple in deep. 12. âÄúLollipopâÄù âÄì LilâÄô Wayne He may be one of the best rappers on Earth, but heâÄôs not above middle school innuendo. Hopefully he doesnâÄôt have to taste any lollipops while heâÄôs in prison; his teeth are bad enough as is. 11. âÄúSugalumpsâÄù âÄì Flight of the Conchords Bret and Jemaine may be the first bards in history to write a song strictly about their testicles, comparing their respective pairs to both cannonballs and after-dinner mints. 10. âÄúI Wanna Be Your DogâÄù âÄì The Stooges A proto-punk classic, canine loyalty easily translates to masochistic sex. 9. âÄúLick My Love PumpâÄù âÄì Spinal Tap The first part of Nigel TufnelâÄôs musical trilogy, âÄúLick My Love PumpâÄù isnâÄôt the subtlest euphemism in the world, but itâÄôs sly because itâÄôs written in D Minor âÄî a chord that makes people weep instantly. 8. âÄúMy DoorbellâÄù âÄì The White Stripes Many a red-blooded man has been caught in this predicament. HeâÄôs been ever so patient, but Jack WhiteâÄôs getting tired of waiting for a woman to ring his doorbell. 7. âÄúI Want a Little Sugar in My BowlâÄù âÄì Nina Simone This jazz darling exuded plenty of class through her music, but that doesnâÄôt mean she didnâÄôt get horny. If only some candy man had come along and put a little sugar in her bowl. 6. âÄúTerraplane BluesâÄù âÄì Robert Johnson This devilish blues song is an invaluable artifact for scholars of the debauched as itâÄôs one of the first in a long line of songs to compare a sexy lady to an automobile. (Successors: âÄúBang A Gong (Get It On)âÄù âÄì T. Rex , âÄúJungle LoveâÄù âÄì The Time , âÄúYou Shook Me All Night LongâÄù âÄì AC/DC, âÄúLittle Red CorvetteâÄù âÄì Prince) 5. âÄúMy Ding A LingâÄù âÄì Chuck Berry Chuck Berry has always been one of the baddest cats around, but âÄúMy Ding A LingâÄù shows that he also has a sense of humor. âÄúI wanna play with my ding a ling,âÄù he sings, referring, of course, to a little toy he got when he was a boy. 4. âÄúTutti FruttiâÄù âÄì Little Richard Those in their autumn years love âÄúTutti Frutti.âÄù Why, itâÄôs a golden oldie! But the original lyrics went, âÄúTutti frutti, good booty/If it donâÄôt fit, donâÄôt force it/you can grease it, make it easy,âÄù which makes it pretty clear this songâÄôs about well-lubricated anal sex. 3. âÄúThe Lemon SongâÄù âÄì Led Zeppelin âÄúSqueeze me, baby/until the juice runs down my leg/the way you squeeze my lemon/I’m gonna fall right out of bed.âÄù Kudos to anyone who can hear that without blushing. 2. âÄúSledgehammerâÄù âÄì Peter Gabriel Among the euphemisms Peter Gabriel brazenly uses for his penis are a steam train, a big dipper and, boldest of all, a sledgehammer. Putting on pants must be uncomfortable. 1. âÄúFoxtrot Uniform Charlie KiloâÄù âÄì Bloodhound Gang F.U.C.K. is a strong candidate for euphemistic champion of the universe, not because itâÄôs a good song but because of the sheer number of sexual turns-of-phrase. âÄúVulcanize the whoopee stick/in the ham wallet,âÄù âÄúcattle prod the oyster ditch/with the lap rocketâÄù and âÄúMarinate the nether rod/in the squish mittenâÄù are but a few of the ridiculously raunchy lines that fill this Bloodhound Gang opus.