Net: Well, here we are, together again. We really have to stop meeting like this. We’ll start with another slapnuts who is unable to keep their possessions in line.

PUBICSERVICE

From clone6: Hello all. Yesterday (Thursday) I was being the queen of ditzes and left my CD player in 175 Wiley around 12:30. It’s silver black and blue, and the CD inside it is The Joshua Tree by U2. Net: HAH HA HA AH AHAH AHAA Please, PLEASE write to network if you have it or know where it is. Thanx.

CURRENTEVENTS

From Maroonblood: THE FINAL FOUR “NEVER HAPPENED?” MY ASS!!!!!!! Since the 1997 Final Four “never happened” and the Final Four banner in Williams Arena will be returned to the NCAA, will I therefore have to scour my closets and return all of my Final Four tee shirts, etc. to the NCAA? Net: Maybe the University will refund our airfare costs for flying down to see that apparently non-existent game. Do we hear “class-action lawsuit?” What a crock.
Do I need to be concerned that the Marks Brothers (Yudof & Rotenberg) will execute search warrants and try to recover all Final Four merchandise? Will the Clemster come clean and return his Final Four coffee cup? Net: Will we have to destroy all Final-Four-related newspapers in our archives?
This reminds me of the TV show “Dallas” in the ’80s when Patrick Duffy, Net: *sigh* We found him pleasing who played Bobby Ewing, was gone from the show for an entire year due to a contract dispute. The next year, the first show started with Bobby telling Pam (Victoria Principal) that “it was only a dream that he was gone.” Somehow, we the loyal (but gullible) viewers were supposed to mentally disregard the story line Net: But not the advertisements of the entire previous year!
In the minds of long-time Gophers fans, we WERE in that Final Four and it was a great tournament run. It’s ludicrous to pretend it did not happen! Net: IT NEVER HAPPENED! STOP LIVING IN YOUR MAGICAL WORLD OF CARS AND BOATS AND FISH!

UCRAPPIN’

From Sophisticated Sphincter: To Deftones, in regards to your request for advice on where to drop a pound or so, you forgot to mention one key factor: whether you wipe front to back or back to front. If you are a front-to-back wiper (a girl), alas, I cannot help you. Net: We wipe in a circular motion, what does that make us? If you are a back-to-front wiper (a boy) I can heartily recommend the center stall in the basement of Ford Hall. Granted, I haven’t been there since the renovation (stupid graduation!), but I enjoyed many happy bm’s there during my six — I mean four — years at the U. As a rule, avoid the student unions — or rather, student union (we used to have one on the east bank in my day Net: *gasp*). Avoid the libraries (we had one of those on the east bank too Net: *double gasp*), avoid any building that is otherwise pleasant. The more squalid the building, the fewer people who come in just to use the facilities. Net: So, by this line of reasoning, the University steam plant should have the best bathrooms on campus If you have to do something really foul, may I recommend the back doorstep of Zeta Psi house?

WUZZ UP

From SchoolSpiritGirl: Net: This letter literally stinks of cheerleader Greetings to you Network, and all the other die-hard Gopher Hockey fans out there. Having been an avid fan of Minnesota’s ‘Pride on Ice’ for some years, I felt obligated to finally submit an entry to one of the only sections worth reading in this great newspaper (the articles about the men’s hockey team being the other of course.) I have a few things to say in response to a certain JedFibbleKorn, and all the rest of you who come to the hockey games for no apparent reason. Net: It’s a great place to read the Wall Street Journal (as we saw someone in the rows ahead/behind of us doing) It’s people like YOU who have given our beloved Mariucci Arena the atmosphere of a funeral home. Net: But with much better refreshments Having visited a few other WCHA arenas in support of our team, I am ashamed at the lack of enthusiasm that 10,000 people can exhibit. I guess you got lucky this year JedFibbleKorn, being in section 14, because the ‘superfans’ are now in front of me, in section 13, and I’ll be cheering right along with them. However, I kinda wish I was still in the band, Net: We don’t believe a word, Rah-Rah girl so I could make your day even brighter as I’m sure you really enjoy sitting in front of them too. (Net, insert band-bashing joke here … we know you love them!) Net: How many band folk does it take to screw in a light bulb? Approximately 600: One to screw the light bulb in, 599 to sit around and act dumb. Network writes jokes well I am pleading to all of you out there with season tickets to start showing a little school spirit! Join in taunting the goalie, stand up and cheer once in a while, maybe even learn the words to our school songs! Net: It’s not like we’re literally sons of the varsity If you aren’t there for the hockey, and the atmosphere that (should) go along with it, go sit your lazy ass in your recliner and watch the game on MSC. We’d rather have some REAL fans at the games anyway! For all of you in the ‘other’ student section, we do feel for you, but all you have to do is stand up and start cheering. Net: But what if someone sees us? You aren’t afraid of actually showing some support for the team, are you? They can’t hear the rah-rahs, so someone’s gotta do it! One more comment to add — showing school spirit does NOT mean dressing like you are going to an 18+ night club. Net: We emphatically disagree with the above statement. Hotties are allowed to wear what they wish Again, if you want to do that, go to the bar and watch the game on MSC. We’d rather have more obnoxious jersey-wearing, face-painted students anyway. See ya at the hockey games — GO GOPHERS!
Net: Have a good day, and, for the love of God, WRITEYOUR OWNPAPERS!