Water has miraculous cleaning ability

by Steve Buscemi

Once again a mysterious phenomenon has been uncovered at the University. After years of research and experimentation, Dr. Ruby McCleen discovered that one simple substance, if used properly, can clean away dirt and other residue from the human body.
University officials announced today that water has the ability to clean things right up.
“Today marks a new era,” said Joe Sniff, dean of the Graduate School, “It is an era where a simple drop of water can free a person of odor and embarrassment. This is a time where a man can walk down the street with his head up and arms raised high.”
McCleen’s research stems from a simple need. The need to be clean. After years of walking through life with his nose plugged, McCleen decided it was time to wash his worries and that distinct odor that had become part of his very being, away.
“My mother always told me cleanliness is next to Godliness,” McCleen said. “I just wanted to make her proud.”
After years of experimenting with tree branches, fur and in a last ditch effort, dirt, McCleen’s breakthrough came to him like a flash in the night.
Upon waking up one morning, McCleen discovered a tiny bit of his dirt-covered arm had come clean during the night.
Upon further investigation, McCleen realized his arm had been washed clean when he drooled on it during the night.
“I never knew spit could be so useful,” McCleen said amidst a crowd of astonished listeners.
When asked if McCleen plans on patenting his discovery, he answered that he wanted everyone to feel the joy of being clean, so therefore, he would not move to patent water.
McCleen will continue his research in the field of cleaniology.
“I believe there is a substance out there that can aid water in the cleaning process,” McCleen said.
To spread the word, McCleen has posted signs around the University asking people to “take a bath,” a term McCleen himself coined, which means to wash the dirt off your body.
“I think this is hogwash,” said Minda Swank, an ecology student. “People drink water, they don’t rub it all over their bodies. That’s just wasteful.”
Some, however, have already tried this new process and were amazed with the results.
“It really works!” exclaimed Leon Box, a professor in the Department of Philosophy. “I just dipped my hand in water and, bang, it was clean.”