From Phlegm of Discontent: Having just beaten the Botswanan army single-handedly, I was thoroughly exhausted. Net: Kinda like the time we spun Baby Net on the merry-go-round ’til she puked. You wanna talk exhausted … It was pretty easy until they started using guns, which I thought they didn’t know how to use. But that’s a whole other story. All I wanted when I got back home was to have a couple pints of beer and fall asleep while watching cartoons. Net: We always enjoy falling asleep to “Millionaire,” whereupon thoughts of shiny ties and pomade dance in our head. Alas, this was not to be. Bobo, my faithful lab monkey, had taken it upon himself to test my new Disinto-Ray. The good news is, it worked. It disintegrated some lab rats specially bred to be disintegrated, Net: Aren’t they all? their cage and the wall behind them. Unfortunately, my Disinto-Ray disintegrated itself in the process. Now, not only do I have to clean up the lab, I have to start all over on my Disinto-Ray. Net: We wonder what would have happened if Oppenheimer had a Bobo — other than Einstein, that is. Worst of all, I have to punish Bobo, which is very hard to do when he whimpers pitifully and stares at me with those big, brown, transplanted puppy-dog eyes of his. Net: Maybe the people over at Moos could hook you up with “pharmaceutical” cocaine. That should take off the edge. A mad scientist’s work is never done.

From Almafadante Elt Joe Meiger, Esq.: Dear sir or madam, Net: You’re only confusing us further My name is Alexander Bernet and I attend the finest university in the Net: city of Madison nation, the University of Wisconsin-Madison. I am constantly in correspondence with a good friend Net: of superior intellect attending your university, and we have always exercised a mutual respect for each other’s decision to attend our respective universities. Today, however, my respect for his decision as well as for your institution as a whole are gone. Net: Well, gee-freakin’-whiz. We might as well end this whole reciprocity thing right now. Whatever journalistic integrity your student newspaper had is also now gone. Net: Not every paper can be as good as the Badger Herald (Ba-dum-dum). With the publication of the outrageously funny, skillful how-to guide to a woman’s belt buckle titled “A Player’s Manifesto,” one of your letter writers has sunk to a new low. Net: Oh, oh. Rolla went slumming … again. For many years now The Onion newspaper out of Madison has been the leading satirical newspaper on the planet, as evidenced by reviews in The New York Times Book Review, the Washington Post and many others, culminating in the praise for inaugural, best-selling book from The Onion, “Our Dumb Century,” this past year. Net: Thank you for that press release. At least you could have included an Amazon.com item number. The above-mentioned article, which appeared in your paper and on your Web site, is plagiarized faux verbatim Net: OOH! Latin! Step back, folks. We’ve got an intellectual on our hands from an article written by one of The Onion’s finest creative minds, Smoove B. (The article was originally titled “Get Smooved”). Your editors Net: Who you callin’ an editor, jacknuts? not only missed plagiarism, they proceeded to deface it further including insertions by an editor calling himself “Net.” Net: And just who in tarnation is that supposed to be? One smug bastard, that’s who. What is wrong with you people? Is it the water? Was “Fargo” really that accurate? Net: Just the wood chipper part. Call this the last straw. The rivalry between our two universities has broiled for well over a century now, but today the University of Wisconsin-Madison has been vindicated as the finer institution once and for all. Net: (Repeat after us) We got spirit, yes we do, we got spirit — how ’bout you? (Raise middle finger in general direction of Wisconsin). Let’s go, ‘Sota!! Next time you try and copy our genius Net: Something tells us The Onion probably isn’t too keen on being associated with the Madison student body, but carry on … try disguising it more carefully using different phraseology and such. Better yet, stick to reporting birthdays and other blossoms in your newspaper and leave satire and other complicated literary endeavors to The Onion, which they should be allowed to find on your campus. Net: Backfence is always looking for readers, too.
I will be expecting a public apology to myself, The Onion, and especially your deprived students in bold lettering in your paper tomorrow, or I shall notify the editorial staff of The Onion myself and pursue legal action. Net: Here you go: WE’LL COAT OUR NAKED BODIES IN BEEF STRIPS AND JUMP HEADFIRST INTO A GIANT FONDUE POT BEFORE GIVING YOU THE PLEASURE OF AN APOLOGY. WE’D RATHER FLOSS WITH A TAPEWORM. GOOD DAY, SIR!!

From OakWash: On Tuesday, Net, you confidently offered up five bucks in exchange for the meaning behind The Clash song “Rock the Casbah.” Net: Uh, no … we just wanted the lyrics. But thanks for going above and beyond. Upon listening, anyone with a penchant for idle historical facts Net: Huh? will realize that this song refers to an incident in which disco records were banned from some Mid-Eastern countries in the late ’70s (for the obvious sweaty-dancing and illicit sex reasons). The refrain is a call to action, Net: A rebel yell, if you will? although you wouldn’t find me rallying in favor of the admittedly sexy and notoriously smoove likes of Barry White. Anyway, I don’t really want the five bucks, but a pack of smokes would be nice. Net: Ask one of the street people who hang out behind the Daily … they’ll hook you up.
Secondly, on that same anti-Freedom of Speech note, I would like to call for the permanent banishment of Rollerdiva and Yngwie Net: Not a chance in hell in addition to Smoove MoFo Net: Done from Networkia. Contrary to what you might believe, all this talk of battery-powered dildos and sex in the library stacks is wearing thin. Net: Friction will do that. And while I will concede that the sort of day-to-day acrimony they participate in is entertaining, I just wish we could move on to more interesting yet similarly inconsequential topics. Net: Notice how he opened with some condescension, then moved on to whining, then failed to close with a topic himself? Thanks for the help.