This is kind of embarrassing Net: So you thought you’ld write to the newspaper and share it with 31,000 of your closest friends?, but I’ve got a problem I could use a little help with. Net: Out with it, sissy boy, we’re supposed to be on vacation. I have been blessed, so to speak, with an extraordinary penis, but every time I try to show it to someone they usually slap me, yell at me, or run away. I don’t understand! Net: And you never will.
Doesn’t anyone on this campus appreciate a beautiful penis? Net: If you read our space instead of this “I’m ok, you’re ok” crap down here, you would have allready answered that question with one word — Rollerdiva To be honest, I feel selfish keeping it all to myself, but I can’t seem to get anyone interested. Would you like to see my penis? Net: Derp?
— Wang Chung
Net: Well this is the point where Dr. Dweeb usually breaks in with his generic, feel-good slop. Allow us to demonstrate —
Sounds like you’ve been given a gift, my friend, but I think your problem is less biological and more in your approach.
Finding the right girl to touch your “penis”, which I know is just a metaphor for your soul, requires patience and an open mind. Above all, you have to be happy with yourself before you can find someone to bring you to the “orgasm” of nurturing and understanding.
I would suggest joining a health club, or reading books in public, or taking a yoga class, or learning Bolivian underwater pot throwing, which is truly a mainline to your spiritual energy… Net: Enough allready! We can’t F*ing take it anymore. Shut up you little sissy boy!
Here’s Net’s advice: Masturbate. And not just once. “Rough up the suspect” three times today. It’s the only way you’ll have a clear head to think.
Then tomorrow, go to a bar. Start off easy, if you have to. Go to Sally’s. Find a girl there wearing a pastel tank top and black stretchy pants. Say hello. Buy her a drink, then another. Find out what she’s interested in. Now, here comes the crucial part, so pay attention:
Act like you care. Say things which endear you to her little daddy’s girl instincts. For God’s sakes, just wait unti you get back to the dorm before you take out Mr. Happy and wiggle it at her.
There it is, Dr. Date freaks. The only sensible advice ever dispensed in this section of our hallowed page. Good luck, and godspeed, Mr. Chung.