Haskins buys rights to arena!!!

by George Doormat

It’s no longer The Barn, Gophers men’s basketball fans. Get ready to start calling it The Farm.
In an attempt to raise money needed to repay the NCAA after the men’s basketball scandal, the University has sold the naming rights to Williams Arena.
The winner, with a bid of $1.5 million, was the one and only Clem Haskins.
Haskins is (of course) the former coach who was instrumental in embarrassing the Gophers basketball team last year. Because of his actions, Minnesota has become the laughing stock of college academics.
Reached from the pig pen of his farm in Kentucky, Haskins said he hopes the name change improves how the team is respected world-wide.
“They is still a goods program,” Haskins said. “They’s just needed a credible individual to shadows the program ands watch it rebuild.”
The University couldn’t have picked anyone with less credibility, but that didn’t effect the conscience of Mark Yudof, the person who came up with idea to sell the rights.
“Well,” Yudof, a close buddy to Haskins said, “we were looking at a way to raise money and a way to get the money back from Haskins. I guess you could say we nailed birds with with one stone or something.”
Um, slow down there Marky.
The re-dedication and naming of the arena will take place June 25th, the one year-anniversary of Haskins’ buyout.
To celebrate the evening, the New Kids on the Block will preform live from the arena.
The symbolism being that both Haskins and the New Kids both fell of the face of the Earth, and both are attempting comebacks.
So far, Haskins appears a step ahead, with more moves a possibility. It seems, Haskins may be in withdrawal of not having a steady job on the Gophers bench.
Asked if buying the rights was a move to get him rehired at Minnesota, Haskins skipped around the answer; a common practice for the ex-coach.
But he did have this to say:
“There is no ‘I’ in Clem Haskins,” he said, apparently forgetting the fifth letter of his last name is an “I.” “This arena is for the entire University.”
Danny Monson, the current Gophers coach, seemed unfazed by the unravelings and rumors Haskins may attempt to get his job back.
In fact, the always calm and collected Monson seemed to take the news as if it were a skit on Saturday Night Live. After all, he did have to take a break from his press conference to change pants after wetting them in laughter.
“That is the funniest thing I have heard since Sid Hartman told me he might get a nose job,” Monson said. “If he wants the job back, hell, he can have it.”
Haskins Arena will be for the entire University, but ultimately the Gophers players will be the ones most effected by having to play their home games in Haskins Arena.
But it could be worse for them, just ask guard Terrance Simmons.
“At least it’s not Joel Przybilla Arena,” Simmons said. “Or even worse, John Aune Arena.”

All George Doormat does is win Pulitzers in attempts to ruin John Carter’s favorite college sports teams. He welcomes comments at [email protected]