Network: GoldbyisyourDaddy; itsacavem; Captain kickass’ first mate


Alright Networkia with the most important mascot mock election of our lifetimes on the horizon it is of the utmost importance for you to know the platform of your candidates. The incumbent Goldy the Gopher has a history of strong leadership in trying times. He has fought for the cause of the working man in an uncommunistic way for over 80 years while allowing for economic stimulation and growth due to his legislation of manipulating squirrel labor. This in addition to his unprecedented record of fighting badger related terrorism on campus makes him the right choice in this election. The two challengers have been on the attack since the beginning to hide from their own records. The Death Pirate has had a reputation of being the most liberal pirate in the fleet and rumor has it he may also have a gay daughter. The ninja on the other hand has constantly been switching positions. Most notably when he actually did vote for Bobby Bruininks before he voted against him. This in addition to his track record of endless random violent assaults on students and little old grannies. Is this the kind of leadership we want in the Metrodome? Vote Goldy in the Network 2004. Paid for by Students For Goldy 2004. I am Goldy the Gopher and I approved this message. Net: The preceding was a paid political advertisement. The opinions above are solely those of GoldyisyourDaddy and Network is not responsible for their content.

From itsacavemanthing

Okay Net, I was sitting in class this morning ready to fall asleep as per the usual when I noticed someone had dropped their fancy pen on the floor in front of me. I didn’t think anything of it until I realized that EVERYONE in the room had a pen or pencil with enough fake chrome on it to make it dangerous on a sunny day. I was the only one rollin’ old school with a regular lead pencil from some local company that I got for free from a stupid packet of free crap. So what’s up with all the fancy pens? Did I miss something on MTV and now girls think a guy with a sweet pen is the NUTT? I doubt it. Net: See, that’s where you’re so clever. Leave it to you not to be fooled by imaginary MTV-tastemaking. To me those overdone pens just make a guy into some Sally who thinks his little sister’s fuzzy pen is “cute,” and girls will be girls and are allowed to be girly. I can tell you from experience, there’s something to be said for the simplicity of one’s writing stick-the chicks dig it. Net: We must be talking about some pretty shallow chicks here.

From Captain kickass’ first mate

First off my vote is for Captain Kickass the Death Pirate over any robot or ninja unless we assume there is such a thing as a robotic ninja. If there is then I will have to reconsider not just this fake mascot election, but my entire life. Net: You should already be reconsidering your life just for having an opinion on this issue. If Captain Kickass does win however, I was thinking that the Metrodome could pull off some sweet new effects in honor of the new mascot. Like during opposing teams fourth downs the dome lights would be turned off except for spotlights on the field. Then the players could not see the crowd and when the opposing team would look in the darkness they would see a glow in the dark Captain Kickass and all of his matey’s (because Cap. Kickass would have a full crew) all taunting them and they would be likely to NUTT their pants and turn the ball over. Just a thought about the advantages of a death pirate over a gopher. Net: OK, why does everyone think that only a pirate will lead to anal leakage? And if this is our main criterion for picking mascots, shouldn’t the new one be Olean Man or something?