Net: The volume of …

Net: The volume of mail we received regarding our identities was sufficient. To save time, we present this summary letter.
BEHIND THE CURTAIN
From SexualReference No. 69 to DrugReference420: Who is Net? Why are we here? The two basic questions any University student must answer. Net: Not to mention the third: How the hell did we get a “B” in theatre? Obviously, it was not to B. Thanks to my mathematical theorem, derived over 75 years by English monks, Net: Much like the nectar of the gods, Guinness I believe I have the answer. Net: You’re wrong. Net is composed of the editorial board of the Daily and is headed by Hitler. Net: Close. Hitler is rumored to be involved with Net, but it’s Kruschev who is, in fact, Rollerdiva. Oh, a little hint: Net is not written by Mark Yudof. Or are we? And as for why we’re here, the answer is fries. Cheers.
Net: Keep ’em coming, people. Any and all references to pop culture (“Mod Squad,” “CHIPS,” etc.) will help ensure publication.
A GOOD PSA
From Captain Funtastic: Net, Net: Yar? I’ve had a number of goals while I was at this University. One of them was to run naked across the mall. I did that. Net: Our goal is to find a decent matza ball soup. (Thank you to the nice skateboarder who took a picture for us as we stood in nothing but shoes and our own drunkenness) Net: If we see another letter with that sentence … Another goal was to have sex at center court in Williams Arena … sadly that goal has not yet been attained. Net: We understand Clem Haskins and his wife went out in style that way. But I have a few weekends left, and one is Spring Jam, so we’ll call that one a maybe. My big goal from my freshman year on was to graduate in four years. Net: Apparently, nobody has explained to this nitwit (where is he, anyway?) that this is a PUBLIC university. If you wanted to graduate in four, you’d go to a pretend school, like St. Thomas or St. Catherine’s. Now, here I am, a few short weeks away from the big day, and I realize it is the dumbest goal I’ve ever had. Net: Four years of school and ya finally wise up. This is a public service announcement to all the young uns’ out there: STAY IN SCHOOL as long as you can. Unless you think your ready for terms like rÇsumÇ, 401K, Net: IRA, ass-kisser, paper-pusher and drug test, try not to graduate. On a different subject, what would it take to get some more coverage of the women’s tennis team, specifically that one hot chick pictured last week? Net: Mmmmm … Nora Sauskalicious. I’m calling her the University’s version of Anna Kournikova. Net: We’ll see what we can do.
FIRIN’ BACK
From Irritated with Ignorance: This is in response to the ignorant Yngwie: It’s fairly obvious that you haven’t a clue what you are talking about. Net: Our response to all of you: THPPPPPPPPPPPT. From someone who’s a touch more educated than a fruit fly about the activities of this campus, I just have to say that porch king has nothing to do with “grabbing asses” or even “sitting on the front stoops of houses.” Net: It’s about the children. I’m amused that you call folks out there ignorant when you seem to be the one who just doesn’t know what you are talking about. Net: Welcome to Network, the home of biased reporting. Before you try to explain something you don’t understand to us “randoms” Net: Uh, maybe you don’t understand what a random is. Allow us to dictate. A random is an unaffiliated University student who is not in a fraternity, sorority or any other culture. you should at least be sure you aren’t the one misinforming everyone. Net: Like you don’t get enough of that from the rest of the paper.
MAKE-UP TIME
From Nasty “the bastard who everyone loves to hate” McNasty: Well, today hasn’t been a good day. First of all, I got my O-chem test back and I got a big fat “8”. Then I get another test back, and I got a C. Net: C’s is degrees. Then I go and grab my Daily like always, and open to Net, and I am being called an invader of Rollerdiva’s personal life (a stalker, I guess is what she meant — and that she was gonna cut my nut sack off) Net: She’s our little Rolla Soprano, and called a retard by my Indian friend, TJ. Net: Damn native Indians. Well, Rollerdiva, first of all, if ya haven’t done so already — take a Valium or three, and calm your ass down. Net: Take that, girl! I like to write in and talk sh!t in here just as much as the next ass, but when you start accusing me of invading your personal life, that is where it must end. Net: It must, for the sake of the children. So I apologize for saying what I did about you the other day. Net: AN APOLOGY IN NETWORK! SOUND THE ALARM! I didn’t let anybody know more than what you tell the entire campus every other day when it comes to your sex life. Net: TouchÇ. Maybe the truth hurts, I don’t know. Secondly, if you really think I am some psycho-stalker trying to get with ya, ifyaknowwhatImean, Net: We’recatchin’yourdrift. you’re wrong. I already caught hell from my girl Net: She’s your little woman, eh? We see how it is. for writing what I did, and I definitely wouldn’t try to hook up with some chick who could very possibly be a walking STD factory. Net: Mom? You see, I wrote in hoping to get some envy of the thousands of guys on this campus who pitch a tent at the very mention of your name, because of the sh!t you write in, but obviously you took it the wrong way, and that is understandable. Net: This might be the nicest apology we’ve ever run. Check that. It might be the ONLY one ever. However, if you don’t want little [email protected] like me Net: Never mind finding out who the hell your uppity ass is, Net: Oh, definitely never mind maybe next time you shouldn’t go flapping your big old yapper off to everybody telling them who you are. Net: Yah, try yapping your small, younger yapper for a change. So if I offended you, I apologize, and it won’t happen again, but when you write in about sucking caks, and liking twats, you had better believe that your gonna get hassled in life. Net: Words to live by.
And to TJ: You know I love your Indian ass like a brother, Net: HA! You love his ASS? HA! Neener, neener, neener, McNasty loves TJ’s ass. don’t even front. Well, I don’t do drugs, but I think I’m gonna start. Peace.
Net: And remember, keep those guesses comin’. Alan Alda? No. Carmen Electra (whose birthday is today)? No. Puff Daddy? We ain’t sayin’, yo.