Join my ‘pyramid of dreams’

The system works by employ-ing a multitiered, level-shifting thingamabob doohickey.

My life thus far used to seem pretty bland. Sure, I’d seen some amazing things and had some profound moments, but I just hadn’t found my purpose.

That is, until I got an e-mail recently that said “MAKE THOUSANDS IN CASH USING PROVEN PYRAMID FORMAT! JOIN TODAY AND SEE!”

After reading that, I didn’t need any details or fine print. I didn’t care who sent it, or why. Most importantly, I didn’t need to feel unfulfilled anymore, because I had come across the best, greatest and awesomest plan there ever was. Apparently, I now had the power to make money without doing anything!

The letter explained the scheme in simple terms, and I latched on like a catfish pulling a toddler to the bottom of a swamp. All I had to do to attain an “assistant project coordinator” status was send $100 to each of the “tier four junior executive recruiters,” and then I would get to include my name on the “technique two report ladder,” where I would comfortably recruit as many friends and relatives to “donate” as possible.

It all sounded so easy. The best part was that I was virtually guaranteed to make thousands in cash return. And not just plain old guaranteed, I was VIRTUALLY guaranteed. Too cool!

Naturally, I joined the process. This pyramid dreamjob was just what I needed, so I gathered a cool $500 in pocket change and started sending. That feeling was incredible – not knowing who has your money but knowing they are taking good care of it and eventually reciprocating the goodness.

It is with that attitude that I invite all my readers to join my pyramid scheme. My brief mental research indicates that it’s not only legal but highly encouraged by all facets of the government. I’ve never come across something so risk-free and safe before. Even though I haven’t received any cash yet, I know it’s on its merry way. So rest assured. When you join, you will be triumphantly placed on tier six’s “semi-beneficiary conscription committee!” Once again, there is no fear of losing your investment. This pyramid appears to be as solid as my thick, luxurious skull.

If you’re one of those skeptical, technical folks, I suppose I should do a little more explaining. The system works by employing a multitiered, level-shifting thingamabob doohickey. The money you send in is transferred up the pyramid – just like how the real pyramids were made!

Heck, if the Egyptians could do it a few thousand years ago with gargantuan bricks, we should have no problem doing it with $100 bills!

Alas, let me bear witness. For once in my life, I feel financially secure, sure of myself and exceptionally handsome.

And to think, I haven’t even seen a profit yet. This glorious excitement is a result of that miracle letter I got in my e-mail.

Thank you, God. Thank you for finally blessing me with the necessary medium for your divine plan: cold hard cash. Amen.

Mat Koehler welcomes comments at [email protected]