WE MISSED ‘EM
Net: We thought they had faded into the ether, drowned in the anchovy stream of life. But for the first time in months, we have heard from The Pizza Club for Studs Welcome back, guys — or, in the spirit of the season, guys and women! Read on …
PIZZA STUDS FOREVER
From The Qatarian, Long-Lost Pizza Club for Studs Co-Founder: Being the week of Valentine’s Day and all, the PCS would like to pass along the following facts to all of the lonely young women across the University Net: Does it involve inflatable rams wearing erotic costumes? If so, the Love Buck may be on its way …
Fact: Four women have regularly attended PCS meetings in its history.
Fact: Within a year of their first meeting, they were dating PCS guys.
Conclusion: WOMEN LOVE PCS GUYS! Net: Either that, or the rohypnol was excellent on the first date.
Some might argue that the opinions of four women are not statistically valid. But our president is a statistician, and he’s convinced. Net: He has a great future working for the tobacco industry. You could be, too.
So, ladies, if your Valentine’s Day is as empty as a beer can after a frat party, come by the Dinkytown Pizza Hut on Friday at lunch and come to the table by the jukebox. Proven 100 percent effective.
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
From Kay Starr:
APPLICATION FOR WHITE HOUSE INTERNSHIP
Greetings prospective White House interns!
This year, our program is heading into its 69th year of bringing America’s best and brightest to the Nation’s Capitol to help the “Head Man” do his job. We expect that 1998 will be the most exciting one yet!
Why, you might be asking yourself, do I want to be a part of this demanding, yet rewarding program? Check this out:
* Be a part of the action in the pulsing, throbbing political scene of the hottest city in the world!
* Get up close and personal with some of America’s movers and shakers!
* See rooms in the White House that even a VIP tour won’t show you!
* Get total access to plenty of sensitive presidential activities!
Sound like it’s for you? Just listen to this testimonial from a former intern:
“I couldn’t believe it! After only a few months on the job answering phones and fetching coffee, there I was, debriefing the president. Getting involved in executive branch affairs is just fantastic.”
— M. Lewinsky,
Beverly Hills, CA
As you can see, being a White House intern is more than long hours, hot debates and touchy national issues.
Still interested? Fill out this information form and send it back to the White House at: [email protected]
Name:
Hometown:
Sex: F
Age:
Measurements: (required for medical purposes)
How many beers it takes to get you …
Giggly:
Drunk:
Hot:
To lie to a federal prosecutor:
Quick quiz:
You’ve always considered the White House:
a) A monument to democracy
b) The place where great leaders meet
c) Vaguely erotic
d) Extremely erotic
Hillary Clinton is a(n):
a) Model wife and mother
b) Icon of late 20th century femininity
c) Obstacle
d) Inappropriate companion for the leader of the free world
You’ve always wanted to know more about the president’s:
a) Israeli policies
b) Childhood in Hope, Ark.
c) Romper room
d) “Monument to democracy”
My social life as an intern would likely consist of:
a) Hitting Georgetown bars with the other interns
b) Reading, study
c) Late nights working at the White House
d) Late nights working the White House
Score 1 point for each a, 2 for each b, 3 for each c, 4 for each d.
Scores of 16 can start tomorrow. Scores of 12 and above, please call soon.
Uncle Sam wants you.
KEEP I-RAQ IN THE FREE WORLD
From Gilena to HWA: Did you even bother to ask why those people at the booth think Iraqi sanctions should be lifted? Is there something wrong with asking people about their opinions?
I want to thank the almighty Net for the wonderful comments interjected in HWA’s letter. They help us all keep things in perspective, and forces us to think. Going to war is no small deal, and people should be thinking twice before jumping on the bandwagon and yelling, “Bomb Iraq!”
From Jon: The Iraq issue can be confused and complicated by pointless arguments, but the root of it is that people are dying and that more will if we choose to start another war. Most countries in the Middle East are standing with the Iraqi people, as is Russia. The Russian warning of a world war was casually ignored by the U.S. media and diplomats but it is a very real threat. The Middle East (and most rest of the world) is already flooded with anti-American sentiment. If there is an unjustified attack on the people of Iraq many are worried that this anti-American sentiment would explode.
If anyone is interested, there will be an educational forum on Iraq in Coffman Union on Monday. It will be in the Fireplace Lounge at noon.
