Correction:
In Monday’s edition of Network we mistakenly misspelled the name of the upstanding book and toy store Lickety Split. We accidentally used a hyphen between Lickety and Split. The Minnesota Daily whole-heartedly regrets the error.
BOG-TROTTERS

From TheUltimateHockeyChick: I went to the game Friday and I was disgusted. Net: We bet you were. The game was actually on Saturday Not at the fact that there were so many penalties (that was one of the best parts) Net: Why do you think they call them the Fighting Irish? not because the ushers were really, really stupid, and not because beer was a frickin’ $5.
It was because of this little bitch sittin’ behind me. She was a Notre Dame fan (which was bad to start). To make things worse, her boyfriend “Jonny” played for the Fighting Irish (again, that’s even worse). Oh, and she didn’t want Jonny to get hurt because she hasn’t seen him in a month. (Think that guy stayed faithful to her? DOUBT IT!) But what really got to me was what she was wearing. Ok, girls, I know that we like to look nice in front of the hot hockey men and SOME hot fans, Net: And those band hotties! *snicker* but what the hell are you doing wearing 4-inch platforms and huge honkin’ jewelry?!?! Didn’t you notice that you were dressed like a call girl? Didn’t you look around at the other women wearing jerseys and sweatshirts? HELLO! There should be some sort of mandate for the women at the game. You can dress all sexy under your jersey (which is what I do *wink wink*) Net: Don’t those rubber panties chafe? but come on. It’s cold in the arena and the guys are more likely watching the game than watching you. And the cheerleaders, the bitch is gone, so maybe they’ll be better — no wait. A few said “Go Soda” again. There goes that thought! Oh, and to SuperMeGaDonKEyPuNCh, asking Network to give your e-mail to the hockey players? PLEASE!!! Network has other things to do than try to get you a date. Here’s an idea: Ask one yourself! They’re nice and cuddly under their pads! Later!

UNISUCKLE

From preppyzackmorris: I’d like to start off by saying that I’m disappointed in the lack of journalistic responsibility shown in the Network recently. Net: We’re sorry for that; libel and slander just happen to be pure comic gold Believe it or not, there are more pressing issues at hand than scooters and squirrels, the first of which being unicycles. Compared to unicycle, the scooter is about as practical as breathing. I was faced with the unfortunate circumstance of having an obvious ladies’ man cross my path on his unicycle recently. Net: Typically leaving a trail of moist panties in his oh-so-studly wake And this wasn’t the BM(ha ha! Net: Poop!)X-wheel unicycle that plagued us yester(“last”)year; this was a monstertrucktirewithspokes-unicycle. Well, after this babe-magnet rolled by atop his ride, I couldn’t help but to look over my shoulder for an elephant balancing on a ball and waiting for a tiny little car to pull up and unload 20 clowns. Yeah, yeah, we’re all greatly impressed, but come on. What’s next? Commuting to class via tightrope? Net: How about being shot to class out of a giant cannon? Secondly, even more annoying than squirrels and Professor Tsaochangswichoffiaman Zxvbwck?dn??slkey is the Daily’s own advertisements. Net: The funny thing is that the advertisers keep buying! Suckers To illustrate my point, I had planned to create my own Daily advertisement and mock how pathetic they are, but I was literally unable to come up with something more ineffective and not clever, let alone unamusing, as the existing ones. Net: What about “GO TO WEB SITE?” My theory is this: that the Daily could better promote itself and gain more readers by actually removing its advertisements. Net: We always thought we should remove all editorial content, get printed on yellow paper, and call ourselves The Minnesota Shopper In conclusion, Screech… you silly bastard. Net: Jesse was always hotter than Kelly in our book. You know she was doing some ‘Screeching’ backstage. Yowsa!

EVERYBODYSUCKS

From Inked: Why are people on this campus so whipped? Net: All those S&M classes in CSCL Are their opinions, morals and egos so tenuous that they can’t take a little criticism? Net: Are you insulting us you NUTTING rat-NUT half-NUTTED NUTcheese NUT-bastard? Go eat a bag of hell Specifically, I am talking about all the whiners Net: Always remember the proverb: When you take a whiner, remove an ‘h’, and add an ‘n’ you get a winner. Ponder this in Network and James Snodgrass’ CSoM editorial response. Why do you make a fool out of yourself defending your position like that? Net: It’s the opinions page. How can you not make a fool of yourself? You are welcome to your plastic house in Edina, your Beemer, and your 9-5. But the insulting postion you take towards Tim proves your inability to defend yourself intelligently. It also proves the lack of justification for your own beliefs and reasons for acting as such. If you really had conviction for what you are doing and becoming, the childish insults would be unnecessary. So please, will you, and everyone else, please not voice some stupid opinion, unless you are willing and prepared to defend it, or justify it! Net: Why do we think that this letter will not accomplish this feat?

I PALINDROME I

From roi de l’univers: Able I was, ere I couldn’t poop. Coffman sees nobody now, including both sexes, having boob (AKA tit) or racecar, or Hannah (kook aibohphobia madam) with party-trap even. And nowhere to refer deed! Who to blame? Evitative as be, deified MSA will, anyway, smear. Pap Yudof did say, “Go to Wassamassaw to go.” Say, did Yudof Pap smear anyway? Will MSA deified be as evitative? Blame to who? Deed refer to nowhere, and even party-trap with madam aibohphobia kook Hannah, or racecar or tit (AKA boob)-having sexes, both including. Now nobody sees Coffman poop. Couldn’t I? Ere, was I able?
Net: Now is time to go. To time is now. Send more letters about University sex. University about letters more send. Good day have you. Have day good.