To University President Mark Yudof:

The purpose of this letter is to officially apply for the position of men’s athletics director.
I’m a self-motivated people-person with a deep sports background. Some will tell you that the reason I’m applying is because I haven’t gotten an internship for next summer and I’m a little concerned.
They’re absolutely right. I need a job, and you have some positions that need filling.
We’re a match made in heaven. I know about sports, and I understand you’re running short on paper-pushers.
My involvement with sports began with teaching 7-year-olds how to play tennis. Our curriculum ran the educational gamut, from running races to trying to hit the ball more than twice.
But it doesn’t end there. While some have said that I’m “woefully unprepared” and “not attractive,” I believe I’ve earned the skills of an athletics director (or at the very least, an assistant). After my teaching job, I painted soccer fields and chalked baseball fields for a local school district.
How many athletics directors know exactly how wide a penalty box is on a Division-I field?
While on the job, I became familiar with a local radio show (located between 92.3 and 92.7 on the FM dial) which frequently heckles everyone in the Twin Cities. Though I was never the subject of its often brutal attacks, I think I got the gist of it.
We can’t have a weak-kneed athletics director. I know all about taking a beating. Last week, somebody wrote in saying that my column on Dennis Green was trash (note to that avid sports reader: Cris Carter’s name is spelled without an “H”. Nice one.)
In my job most closely related to the positions you have available, I worked for the St. Paul Saints last summer as a front office intern. Over the summer, I did everything from watering flowers to writing press releases.
I also got to know how a sports operation runs. While the levels of deceit at the Saints are substantially lower than those previously within the University’s athletics department, I think I have ample grasp on the term “spin control.” After all, I’ve seen enough of how the other side plays the game.
So what can I do for the University?
For starters, I can provide the athletics department with innovative leadership. The Sun Bowl? Forget about it. I wouldn’t have even wasted the University’s time by going to the Sun Bowl. I would have decided that the 13th-ranked team in the nation would just sit out the bowl to make a point.
Secondly, I like to think that my media experience will benefit the school. Gone are the days of Clem Haskins’ bunker. Open practices for all and for all more media exposure.
This seems like a fair place to note that I would also give men’s basketball coach Dan Monson a pat on the back for already opening the basketball team to the media. But every sport should relax for a change and open its doors to the media (as scared of them as the teams are).
But perhaps the best thing I can offer this University is a clean slate. Aside from pouring maple syrup on a student-teacher’s car in high school, I’m pretty much scandal free. I’ve only been arrested three times (and since when is public nudity REALLY a crime?).
The bottom line is, I can provide the direction the men’s athletics department needs and I could really use the $160,000 a year.
Thank you for your consideration.

Jim Schortemeyer is the sports editor and welcomes comments at [email protected].