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Serving the UMN community since 1900

The Minnesota Daily

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The Minnesota Daily

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The State of the Union, in my dreams

The following is a dramatization. It might not have happened.

Fellow citizens, today our nation lost a remarkable woman, an activist for peace, well-respected for the steadfastness of her beliefs and persistence of vision. I speak of former parent Cindy Sheehan, who was ejected from the House chamber earlier today.

Ms. Sheehan’s crime was to wear a shirt reading, “2,245 Dead. How Many More?”Authorities here at the Capitol felt that this garment was responsible for “disturbing the peace” ” ironic, considering the Sheehan has committed every waking moment since her son’s death in tireless pursuit of peace itself.

To begin, I could say that every time I am invited to this podium, I am mindful of our nation’s history. The fact is I am anything but mindful of any precedent, be it legal, cultural or political. Dick and I have done more to eschew the vested powers of judicial review and hijack the legislative process than any administration in history. I would be more serpentine than a viper in the hell of Houston if I denied that my clan and I have tried to usurp every last kernel of federal largesse for the executive branch.

Since my lack of human shame and my loyalty to fat-cat brothels, I will continue to perpetuate policies that soon will bury America in a mélange of misguided morality and shattered illusions of democracy. We at least can be comforted by the basic tenet that there always will be healthy, copious debate hardwired into a system of two parties, two chambers and two elected branches. Or so we think.

Washington lobbyist Jack Abramoff, Democrats and Republicans have become Exhibit A in an exercise in ideological morphology. Ralph Nader calls them “the two-headed monster with different makeup.” Yes, fellow Americans, the two parties that constitute your laughably “representative” government have become so alike in ethical gutlessness and corporate servitude that it is darn-tootin’ near impossible to tell a Northeast gator like Joe Lieberman from a Philly crocadoodle like Arlen Specter. It’s time to say, “Snap into a Slim Jim, ‘Merica.”

Helluva a war, ain’t it? For this is a war fashioned from the raw material of Western hypocrisies, the hot-blooded consequence of five decades of ruthless American hegemony and elementary missteps in the treatment of developing societies and religions differing from our own Judeo-Christian stranglehold.

It is an enemy that will continue to evolve and thrive, not because of its tactical prowess or formless persistence, but because of its unabated pipeline of support from autocratic puppet regimes propped up by and fed by our country’s vast web of geopolitical interests and incestuous media partners.

We claim to seek the end of tyranny. We would do well to start at home.

Fellow Americans, tonight the state of our union is unknown. I ask that you turn off your television and leave it off for the next 10 years or so. We’ve got a lot of work to do.

Another thing ” I resign. Almost forgot to say it. For anyone who wants this job, we’ll be holding auditions on the White House lawn. Bring a headshot and a sheet of paper with two truths and a lie about yourself scribbled in magenta crayon.

Thanks again. May Buddha and Vishnu bless America, if they feel like it.

Adri Mehra welcomes comments at [email protected].

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