Oak Street School, Oak Park, Ill. — “Sixth grade was just hell,” Sarah Cromwell said Thursday, stopping to take a sip from her Cherry Coke.
Geography class was next, and she laid out her books.
“Last year, everybody all the time at school was talking about ’69ers’ and I thought they were all talking about ‘seven times seven,’ and I would interrupt them and say, ‘no, seven times seven is 49, not 69’.
“Then they would laugh at me,” recalled Sarah, red-faced, now 14 years old.
Sound familiar? Not at all?
Are you kidding?, you ask.
Well, chances are you or at least someone you know knows somebody who knows somebody who is still a virgin.
It is the 21st century in America — it still happens. Or rather doesn’t happen.
But WHERE might you ask?
I’ve never heard of this.
Truth is: all over.
Dozens of 13-year-old kids in this country have, in fact, not done it.
At an alarming rate. It’s a fact.
While 90 percent of all American 14-year-olds have done it, 13 can be an especially cruel year in the teenage landscape it seems — and yes, very unlucky, if ya know what I mean.
Social scientists estimate 25 percent of all sixth graders this year at Oak Street will graduate virgins.
Social scientists are less able to say why.
“This certainly has baffled the scientific community,” Dr. John Berkowitz said. “Scientists have no way of knowing exactly why 13-year-olds get significantly less action. At any rate, it seems that the 12 months between ages 13 and 14 are significant ones.”
Thirteen-year-old Jason admits the build up to do it can be rough on a young teen, such as himself.
“Personally, I decided to lose my virginity at eight because I knew the longer I waited, the harder it would be on me, in all ways. Names mostly,” said Jason.
“You know — ‘No Action Jackson.’ Crap like that,” he described.
“I didn’t want to be the last person in my age group to not have sex. As it was I was tenth.”
Sally Jacobsen, 14, agrees. “Getting that monkey off my back was the biggest relief of my life! Thirteen was awful!”
A sexual veteran, John Ashley, 15, agreed. “It’s the one thing they never tell you.”

— Allegedly, wire reports reportedly contributed to this report.

Cherry Poppin’ Daddy will be prowlin’ around your neighborhood looking for 13-year-old girls and welcomes comments at [email protected]