GOLDEN OLDIEZ From…

GOLDEN OLDIEZ
From GGDefender: All right, Net, that’s it. You be talking s##!t about my Golden Girlz for far too long now. First, a rip on Bea Arthur, and then, on Friday, you be badmouthing my girlz’ need for a little golden action. Net: More like a golden shower. Well, my boys don’t like candy-ass Nets thinking they can make fun of four fine pieces of retired Miami ass. Next time I hear you bring them up, I’m coming down to the Daily offices and kicking your asses. Net: We operate in a self-contained bunker 100 feet below the surface, living only on Squirt and Sun Chips, so we don’t have to associate with the likes of you. Good luck. Yeah, and Noah Dvorak’s, too, just because I can tell he thinks he’s too cool for Golden Girlz. Net: He’s been taken care of. Somebody hung him on the doorknob by his undies the other day ….
DISHONORABLE
From St. Paul Alumni Guy: Regarding the serious warnings about joining IT honors and its lack of ladies … Net: [cue string section] Back in the day, when I was in CLA honors, the ratio of women to men was 3-2. Net: Yeah, and the sky was bluer, too. And the Coke actually had coke in it, right? All of my “peer advisers” were fine ladies, but alas, I only graduated cum laude. Net: We won’t even touch that one. They were summa! My advice: Date outside your college, merge the genes and let’s all get along. Net: Note to self: Hook up with someone from the Q continuum. Note to Net — Rollerdiva is a dude — the latest lesbo bit only confirms it. Net: So, if all lesbians are dudes, does that mean Keanu Reeves is a woman?
DEW ME, BABY
From Sir Taco of Netalot: Oh, this is a truly wonderful day!! Net: What … Lifetime stopped airing Golden Girls reruns? Those of you who know me know of my deepest affections for a sweet nectar called Mountain Dew. Those of you who know me the best, though, know of my longing for a lost love I affectionately call Mello Yello. Net: And those who know us know of our penchant for piss-colored sugar water. You see, Mello Yello held my heart until the evil Coca-Cola company decided to replace my love with an imposter called Surge. The evil company targeted only me, though, and took Mello Yello out of just the Twin Cities metro area. Net: They probably figured us Midwesterners couldn’t discern the subtle differences between vintages. I know not why; perhaps the beast feared the intimidation of my rugged good looks and boyish charm. I was forced into the arms of the Dew in order to console myself. Net: Now we know how Clinton must have felt. Some of you might remember the joy in my heart when, on occasion, I was able to meet up with my love for the briefest of moments when retreating to the outland areas. Well, no longer!! The curse has been lifted, and my love has been brought out of exile and returned to me, for this very night I bought a case and a 20 oz. bottle!!! Net: Don’t forget the condoms, lover boy. Tonight, I delight in the prospect that my sweet, sweet friend might soon be available on the campus of the University of Minnesota, where the tyrant in the red box Net: Cracker Jack? has kept me for far too long from my love and also the fair aforementioned substitute Mountain Dew!!! Net: Scaling the heights for love. ‘Tis a beautiful thing.
STOKING THE FLAMES
From Jack Tupongonja: While here, I have made note of some serious problems that separate and discourage students of this University from truly forming a single body, the greatest of these being the constant debate between those of us from the great state of Minnesota and those from Wisconsin. Net: And here we thought it was all Aramark’s fault. Now, I will not enter discourse into the sovereignty of either of these states, nor which is the grander of the two. What I wish to discuss is the obvious oversight both parties are making. Though citizens of Wisconsin might, from time to time, consume exorbitant amounts of cheese, and those from Minnesota have a habit of being somewhat condescending, Net: 30 degree temps in friggin’ April will do that to people. I think we have overlooked a much greater evil looming darkly over us. I shall now give my position and observations of the subspecies of man that inhabits the wallows of Iowa.
Never has so detestable a creature set foot on the earth that has not been exterminated by greater and stronger creatures. Net: We like burning them up with magnifying glasses. The only reason I can see that disease and incest have not wiped out this species is the apparent natural inclination toward both. Net: If you’re gonna go, you best have a good time doin’ it. That said, they have developed many deformities from both of these afflictions, yet mercilessly, nature still allows them to propagate and spread this detestable and altogether infectious countenance on all their generations.
I would never go so far as to classify them as human, but rather some sort of Cha Chewy Chewy Chomp Chomp, Net: Eep Op Ork Ah Ah, right back at-cha. distinguishable by features such as male pattern baldness (on both sexes), gluttonous proportions and fur covering most of the body except the neck, which is often bright red. This I have observed to be some kind of mating tool to attract females, who are attracted to the brightest necks and furriest bodies available, unless otherwise encouraged by the consumption of cheap whiskey and 3.2 beer. Net: Leave Farmhouse outta this.
The states of Minnesota and Wisconsin should thus “band together” to rid this “great country” of ours of so sinister a beast. Net: And then we should “figure out” what to do about “air quotes.” With the aid of the states of Missouri and Nebraska, we should demand the cessation of all activities in the district of Iowa. I believe the most merciful thing to do with said state’s inhabitants (the Cha Chewy) is a quick and relatively painless extermination of the entire species, save those within 15 miles of the bordering states, as the influence of other cultures seems to improve the creatures to near a point of civility, not unlike trained chimpanzees and dogs. Net: Believe it or not, this anti-Iowa manifesto went on for another page or two. Not only did we run out of patience, but also of space. Still, we’d like to hear what you have to say about the proposed cataclysmic destruction of Iowa. As far as we’re concerned, we’re losing steam and wouldn’t mind shaking things up a bit to close out the year.