OUR BEST FRIEND H…

OUR BEST FRIEND HAS A FIRST NAME …

From The (Net: schizophrenic) Medicine Man (Net: who will only see one of his entries in today’s Network): Why don’t all you women just shut the hell up about this locker room business? Net: Attaboy … that’ll get ’em on your side. You have never experienced anything until you are in the men’s locker room tying your shoe, only to look up and see a wiener dangling in your face. Net: That sounds like a scene straight out of a really bad porn flick. ‘Course it’s all a matter of perspective. The men feel it is a privilege to walk around naked just because they can — THAT is nasty. I saw one guy walk in the door and immediately start stripping down on the way to his locker. Net: Whenever the mood hits you … By the look of things, you would think that the purpose of a towel is similar to that of a scarf. What the hell is up with guys blatantly trying to show off their nakedness to other guys? I don’t get it. Net: Considering how much time men spend grabbing themselves during the day, it only makes sense they’d like to give the little (!) guy a few hours of down time. The only way it would make sense to me is to have coed locker rooms … right? I am sure many of you will agree. Net: We don’t know about that, but at least the letters would read more like something you’d find in Forum.

THEENDALLBEALL

To “all the haters” from The Bongo: Aaah, my dear Network. How goes it? I could be better. Net: Judging by your intro, yes, you could. Here I stand at a computer console at the Rec Center, wasting time only because I know the man whose locker is next to mine just came in and he stands about quite naked for at least 10 minutes before making his way to whatever it is he does. Net: Doing a nude interpretive dance of the Star Wars trilogy? Regaling the audience with a fine John Holmes impression?
I just have a few notes Net: Which pretty much sums up our college career. 1) To all of you locker users at the Rec: IT’S A LOCKER ROOM. Deal with it. Enjoy it. These days might never return. Who knows when you’ll get such a clear shot at blatant voyeurism sans suspicion? Net: We do. It’s called marriage. (Most of you are scared and angry because you liked it/didn’t mind it, I’m sure.) If it bugs you that much, put your stuff in the lockers upstairs or abstain from using the sauna. Net: Yeah, and if you don’t like the smell of smoke, don’t go to a bar. Or do what I’m doing right now: Write into the Net whilst your locker buddies air their goods. 2) If you get a chance to ride the East Bank Circulator, DO IT. Every woman on it is HOT. I chanced upon this Shangri-la of sorts and have never been the same since. Net: Which, apparently, isn’t necessarily a good thing. 3) For the record, the baton-twirling girl — with whom I just spoke and whose presence is an issue, in my mind, as yet unresolved — Net: It’s a frickin’ baton, and she twirls the frickin’ thing. So there. It’s resolved … is one of the coolest people ever. Ye know not what it takes to do what she does and whoever you were that felt good for making fun of her, go yoink yerself. Net: Consider us yoinked.
Also, how do you go and kill Maude Flanders like that? Net: She was dead-diddly-weight, any-diddly-who-diddly.

FRESHMAN-HANDLED

From HindsightBoy: So I am sitting on a connector, completely disconnected (no pun intended) Net: None detected from the rest of the world. Out of nowhere, I feel a hand skim across my ass! I pass it off, thinking that it might have been inadvertent, or at a minimum, a weak attempt at some action. Well, after the Mall stop, the incident escalated into a full grab. We’re talking leave a mark type grab here! So I instinctively look back to see who it is behind me … only to see the horrified groper. This innocent young dame, a freshman, from the looks of her, Net: You can always tell by the drool that collects in the corners of their mouths managed, “I thought you were someone from high school.” Net: Naturally. So, I say, “Oh, OK.” I get off at the Law School and go to my evening class, only to run into her after class. Net: From the front this time?! The horrors … She gives me this evil, devilish stare. I wouldn’t generally bring this to the attention of the male faction of our institution, Net: Obviously, because men simply aren’t interested in such things as being grabbed by strange, drooling freshpeople but I think she put a hex on me!! Things have been just a bit off kilter lately, and I can only revert back to my ass-grab incident as the cause. Take caution, fellas, hindsight being 20-20, I should have just walked. Net: Maybe we’re breaking some sort of confidence here, but this guy works for the governor. Who’da thunk it?

UP IN THE DUMPS

From The Fox: Most wise and helpful Network, the Fox (formerly known as Disco) needs help from you and your wise readers. Even though I graduate this spring, the weather is great and I am seeing someone, I am feeling incredibly depressed. Net: Blame it on the woman! (If nothing else, it’ll make you look good in front of your friends.) It seems like something is missing from my life, though it isn’t my sense of humor. Net: That would be our problem, not yours. I look around and wonder: Why? Everything is seemingly pointless to me. I go through the motions of going to class, and even took a couple PhysEd classes for exercise. Yet, I am blue. Perhaps it is the way we Americans have become so shallow, insincere and wasteful. Or maybe it’s merely us college students. Net: Only because we learned it from our shallow, insincere, wasteful parents. I look around and think maybe things would have been better if there had been a Y2K crisis. (Definitely not a victory by King T, though.) Net: Don’t EVEN go there. It could have taught us to be more careful and kind. It would have taught us to appreciate what we have, rather than constantly trying to keep up with everyone else. Net: No way. Everyone would have just bitched and complained and waited for the government to do something about it. That’s the American way. But then again, we might also have to worry about the police state that would have clamped down on things. Oh well. Any advice that you have that does NOT involve copious amounts of drink or going down to Hennepin Avenue or Lake Street will be appreciated. Thank you. Net: Help the kid, Networkia. We’re getting misty here.