Net: We must congra…

Net: We must congratulate you Networkians on the quantity and quality selection of letters you have sent in. Keep in mind that THE MAN prevents us from printing all we would like to, because he limits our vast knowledge to this tiny space (while at the same time filling page after page of so-called classifieds, when in reality they are far from classified — anybody can read them! We read them everyday and they elicit hardly a guffaw from our hallowed lip entities!) So, if you don’t see your letter printed, don’t despair Á we’ll get to it in time.
THE MAN (possibly related to THAT GUY) always be keepin’ us down Á Bite the power!
From Amnesia Chick: Hi. I was scanning the BackTalk section Net: We wish we had a section. THE MAN only allows us a page (and we even have to share it) before class when I spied figure ##1 and it hurled my subconscious back to the 3rd grade. Net: Had it really ever actually left? What you call the Wham-O Roller-Racer, I call a Turtle. Net: What you call a Turtle, we call a Toyota Echo — ugliest car on the road Known to me as a vehicle from Mike’s Great Skate Roller Rink in SE Wisconsin that I used on my ex-best-friend’s driveway. This contraption from hell and a rock caused me to have 9 more stitches on my chin. I’ve long since repressed this episode and I never speak of it. Not due to the trauma, but because I couldn’t fully describe the Turtle apparatus. It was inexplicable. Now I have a photo reference. Thank you. Net: We live to serve.
From Thor: You wonder what flaming papers look like? Net: Rolled flaming papers? We know that well This past summer, I was Nature Director at a Boy Scout Camp in northern Wisconsin. Net: Insert your own comment here — try it! It’s fun! All summer, I saved the reports that scouts would give me for the Environmental Science merit badge and had myself a cheerful little bonfire. The sight of a couple hundred reports, at a couple pages each, going up in flames was simply joyous! All that hard work, up in smoke … simply breathtaking, I tell you. I lit it at the bottom, let it smolder, and then fanned the pile out so that it burst gloriously into flames! Net: *Drools* The pretty blue and green flames from certain inks only added to it. I suggest that everyone save theirs Net: Finished or unfinished this year, and Network can sponsor a huge bonfire sometime in May, when we can have a ritual burning of them all. Net: A quality idea Á We’ll talk to marketing The gods will be pleased!
From MissKitty: Hello, fair net. How are you feeling this day? Net: We’re randier than a Dixie Chick threesome. WE FEEL LIKE MAKIN’ LOVE Á YEAH Á FEEL LIKE MAKIN’ LOVE Good, good. Now … on with business. Net: *sigh* As an upperclassman here at the U, Net: So you’re a sophomore? A HA AH AH AHAHAHAHAH! I have come to a sad realization about freshpeople. I am saying these things only out of love, for at one point in my existence, I too was a freshperson Net: Four years ago? :
1. Don’t walk around in groups larger than six. This causes attention to be drawn to you. And trust me, it’s not the good kind. All the cops have to do is follow you around, and so ends the night life of students.
2. No matter how much you try to make yourselves look different, you ALL look the same. We can smell you. Soon enough, you will find your niche and be your own person. But for now just give into the fact that everyone of you looks the same.
3. Lose the maps. Someone who is lost is an easy target for the Mormons. And finally, some advice that no one wants to say, but everyone wants to hear: Eat as little UDS as possible. UDS = freshmen 15 … 20 … 30 … 40 … Net: Which in turn = 0 (dates when you’re a Sophomore or Junior).
we are on-line steppin’!
Net: This following letter was so irritating to read that we figured it would be easier to read if, by using the “Internet Zone,” we translated it from English to French to German to English. The original is here, the translated version is below this one. We’ll refrain from commenting. It really just speaks for itself:
From Kidd-o: Hey Kids — Kidd-o is back and in effect! BOOO YAHH!!! So you’d best be getting your ass in gear if you’re going to catch up with the latest and greatest — the hippest and the hoppest! From here on out, Middlebrook Hall will be known as Pimpbrook Hall because all the coolest people are here and in mad effect! None of that Superblock bullshit for us … damn, it ain’t super and it’s not a block, so it best be steppin’ off because we’re steppin’ on!
So you might want to wear ultra-UV sunglasses when you go to the WB from now on ’cause the sheer pimpitude of the Pimpbrook crew is gonna blind your eyes for life if you don’t mind the sheer power that it possesses! Who needs Coffman when you’ve got twelve stacks of SWANK just across the river. This is your final warning – what follows may blow your mind, and it will definitely shake your booty — cause the ‘Brook has got the phat stylin’ beats that rock the street better than any of the other “funk soul brothers” on this campus.

Of kidd-o: HÇ of children — Kidd o is backwards and indeed! BOOO YAHH!!! Thus you were received better your donkey in the rate, if you will up-get yourselves regarding more in largest delay and – hippest and hoppest! From here in function outside will Middlebrook Hall as Pimpbrook Hall admits to be, because all freshest persons are here, and in olwirkung! None of this bulletin hit of super super for us … damn it is magnificent ain’t and not it a block, then better step pin are deleted, because we are on-line steppin’!
Thus you could want to carry sun glasses of ultra UV, if you go from now on to the cause from stock, which is fine the pimpitude the crew of Pimpbrook gonnalampenschirm you eyes during the life, if you do not deal with you with the fine strength, which it possesses! Who needs from Coffman, if you have twelve swank batteries just by the river, It is your warning – which follows, can your spirit blow, and it will shake definitly your booty — caused ruisseau knocking stylinphat from, which tilt the road better than import, other “brothers the fear soul” on this Campus.
Net: We like the second version better.