Don’t Blow Your Cover (Photo)

In which A&E has a few words for the haters and then shares some ideas for the non-haters.

Sarah Harper

Haters will invari­ably hate. ThatâÄôs the cardinal r ule of the Internet, and itâÄôs been proven time and time again. Haters have been tweaking out about ev­ery Internet change since Netscape Navigator shut down.

With FacebookâÄôs new Timeline format thrust upon the masses, the file cabinet where I keep my âÄúHaters Gonna HateâÄù evi­dence is stuffed to burst­ing. CanâÄôt even shut the drawers.

To hatersâÄô credit, Time­line-hating makes some sense. In spite of its strik­ing design, your unsavory FB followers love it. Your employer can efficiently track down all your party pics âÄî I know! I know! ItâÄôs not your fault some­one expertly applied that Bud Light Lime sticker to your can of water. And of course, your exes arenâÄôt just innocently checking out what youâÄôve been up to lately âÄî theyâÄôre checking out what you were up to three years ago.

Seriously though, a word to the crying babies: If you canâÄôt handle the open heat of freely flow­ing information, you do not belong in this kitchen. Chef Mark Zuckerberg and I are going to have just as much fun without you, especially now that our kitchen includes the social media equivalent of a stainless steel double ov­en. Yes, IâÄôm talking about the cover photo.

What an ego luxur y. Two photos. All about you. How do we handle this new ter rain? This wide expanse of pixels is begging for an infiltration of âÄúyouâÄù âÄî but how do we do it?

ItâÄôs going to be hard to do it wrong, really. There are only two pitfalls to heed: Low-resolution im­ages will pixelate. And because itâÄôs impossible to make your cover photo private, itâÄôd be unwise to make it NSFW.

The thing to know if youâÄôre going to craft a spectacular cover photo is that those babies have to be at least 720 pixels wide. High res or die res.

LetâÄôs talk content: scenery, a pack of pals or a piece of ar t are some natural choices that might already be on your computer/camera. These are all good.

Really, thereâÄôs no reason to fret over the choice be­cause anyone who judges you too harshly based on your cover photo deserves harsher judgment.

But if youâÄôre feeling crafty, here are a couple ideas for prof pic/cover photo pairings to get your juices flowing:

EASY THE BICEP

Cover photo: A picture of you wearing a wife beater, flexing your bicep for the webcam.

Profile pic: A picture of you scowling, fists ready to fly.

(Bonus points for cuteness will be awarded if youâÄôre re­ally a weakling.)

EASY THE BEACH

Cover photo: Scenic picture you took of a beach. Or, a Microsoft Paint drawing of a big sun and some water.

Profile pic:  Picture of you at the beach, soakinâÄô up the rays from the sun in your beach cover photo.

MEDIUM THE LOOK

Cover photo: A picture of you in which youâÄôre looking down and to the left.

Profile pic: A picture of you looking up and to the right.

MEDIUM THE REACH

Cover photo: A picture of you where youâÄôre reaching down and to the left.

Profile pic: A picture of you where youâÄôre reaching up and to the right.

HARD THE TOUCH

Cover photo: A picture of you holding hands with an outstretched arm.

Profile pic: You reaching your arm out.