Net: And now, back to our regularly scheduled silliness.

SQUIRRELS!
From Squirrel Killer: I hate to say it, but after all of my long years here at the University, and all my long hours of trying to get the University community more in tune with the squirrel population, I have done the unthinkable. I have killed one of my own. Net: But just think. If you start a trend, the lemming population will drop dramatically. The other day I was driving to school when I saw the poor little rodent run across the side of the street to the median. I looked at it and it looked at me and said, “I love you; you complete me.” I responded, “I love you; you like to forage for nuts,” which happens to be my normal response. Net: Ours, too. Wish us luck on our date tonight.
I get closer and closer and that little bastard runs right under my front left tire. Net: Wow. THAT happens to us, too. We’re feeling a bond here … I tried to swerve away, but I thought he was playing, I thought he was going to move back to the median, I thought he had something to live for (winter harvest) but the bastard kept going.
All I know is, I have to live with the thought of that little guy squirming on the road. I hope the maggots came quickly because no one deserves that type of suffering. At the same time the accident happened, I thought, “I can’t let him stay there. Maybe I could take him home and freeze him, and someday, when the cure for squashed squirrel disease was found, I could thaw him out in the microwave and fix him back up!”
Then I remembered something from my drunken freshman stupor — a squirrel in our microwave on the eighth floor of a University dorm. It just won’t thaw out well. So I left the bastard there to decompose. Sue me!!! Net: Watch out. We’re popular with the animal rights crowd. And the squirrel brethren are watching.
COMMUNISTS!
From Stern About Unions: Regarding the recent debate about unions, I would like to grace the Network world with my thoughts.
First off, unions are nothing more than CONTRACT COMMUNISM. Net: And your point is … Think about it. Second, unions have long outlived their usefulness. Net: Or perhaps we’re not using them enough. This was made overly apparent by the recent strikes of the Northwest pilots and Honeywell employees. Unions today are not about fair wages and fair benefits; they are about greed. Competition and demand drive the market for employment of qualified employees.
Third, and perhaps the most applicable point to the GradSOC people, you are COLLEGE STUDENTS! Are you here to learn and research at a world-class University, or are you here to make this a full-time job? If you want benefits, GET A JOB. Most employers offer health benefits AND will partially or fully reimburse you to go back and get a graduate degree. Net: But probably not in women’s studies. Huh! Net: That, of course, begs the ultimate question of how many women’s studies Ph.D.s we actually need. If all else fails, send an application to the U of Michigan grad school and see if they will take you. Net: Ah, yes. The “love it or leave it” argument. While you’re asking these students to go, why not have them take their profs, families and support networks, too? Just asking …
GIVE US A C! …
From Grad2Bhere: I was just sitting at my unattended office hour wishing that I didn’t have to attend it, either. It’s only the second full week of class, after all. Anyway, I was reading the saga of cheering at the U. It seems this is bringing in a lot of newcomers Net: We’re always looking for fresh blood because, like Chairmaster, I’ve watched the Network world go by until now as well.
However, I recall seeing the cheerleaders last year at the basketball pepfest and thinking they were boring. Don’t get me wrong — I adore cheerleading. I was a cheerleader for seven years and we were not boring, even though we didn’t have men for stunt partners. Net: Not during the games, at least. So I wondered how it can be that they have this advantage and still can’t keep my attention?
The problem is a lack of creativity. Now, you do a partner stunt and, with the added upper-arm strength of the guys, they are super cool. OK, what next? Pyramids? Stunts of different levels to add variety? Cheers and chants? No! More of THE SAME STUNT! Over and over Net: Very Fellini-esque, we must say, and it sounds like it is the same this year. So I would argue: Talent? Yes. Enthusiasm? Yes. Creativity? No. Boring? Yes.
Now you have my not-so-professional advice and I’ll leave you with two questions: 1) Are there any stunt clubs on campus where females can participate? 2) Why does no one point out that, although grads now have a whopping 30 percent dental coverage, we can’t go to a dentist but only students and visiting intern-like people to have our teeth worked on? Thanks for the space. My silence is broken; I will be back. Net: And we look forward to it. Take care. P.S. Hi, Mathlady!
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
From Johnny Rookie Card: I’m writing to see if some kind soul out there found and kept my keys on the East Bank campus somewhere on Tuesday afternoon. I lost them during a frenzied afternoon of skateboarding Net: You might not have wanted to mention that. The Man might want to hold the keys to punish you now, so they could be anywhere from the Superblock to Northrop Auditorium. Net: Or maybe even in a Korn video. It’s three keys, an “Axion” rubber key chain and a New World Order ID card — uh, I mean Easy Save key chain thing. If someone out there bumped into these individuals sometime, please contact me via our fine institution of Network. Net: We’re tight. Dope, even. More phly than “Paul’s Boutique.” Maybe there’s a free lunch on me in it for you … Net: We accept. Just write us, Johnny, and we’ll do Chinese. Great idea. And oh yeah — all the rest of you can write him if you know anything about the keys. Keep on wheelin’, y’all!