Net: And now, a note from …
OURPARANOIDREADERS
From Mark: Spring is coming. It is in the air. This means the squirrels are going to be back. Net: Of course, they never left — especially in the minds of a certain element of our readership. These are just a few thoughts I would like to share with the Network about the squirrels. I have reason to believe that the squirrels are actually in control of this magnificent place. Net: Actually, our campus is controlled by a mysterious man named “Raoul,” who is plotting assassinations with the cooperation of Lyndon Johnson. You thought Lyndon Johnson was dead, didn’t you? It’s all part of the conspiracy. First, our mascot is actually the 13-striped ground squirrel, and not a gopher as they Net: It’s that mysterious “they” again made all of us believe. Now, every time I look at the happy face of Goldy Gopher on the campus bus I am sure that Big Brother is watching. Net: He is — and he has huge teeth. Also, Coffman is supposed to resemble our cheery mascot Net: Really? We thought it looked like a building — but now it is just a reminder that they are watching.
Second Net: Or fourth, depending on whether or not you can count, the members of the Board of Regents, who at one point in their lives were successful professionals, become morons as soon as they find out they’ve been nominated for a position on the board. Net: You assume that being a moron isn’t part of being a successful professional in the first place. The squirrels have brainwashed them. Net: Sorry. Corporate America got to them first.
Third, the food is horrible. Net: Unless you can ascertain squirrel leadership at Aramark, you’re stretching your case thin. There is nothing better to break a person’s spirit than to deny them good food. We are mere rats in an evil experiment. Net: Why would we be rats if the gophers are oppressing us? RODENT SOLIDARITY!!! Scientists know that rats kill themselves when they are stressed by overpopulation. I wonder if there is a similar experiment being conducted here by the squirrels. Net: Perhaps. If so, there would be a definite causal relationship with the show-us-a-picture-of-an-aborted-fetus crowd. Conservative sentiment against women’s groups and reproductive freedom organizations would also help encourage overpopulation, as it’s highly unlikely that any member of the College Republicans would keep anyone from having sex (unless, of course, the only option was with a College Republican). Squirrel conspiracies are absurd. Republican conspiracies?
These are just thoughts. Net: So was “Mein Kampf.” We are not amused. Remember — a lie is most convincingly hidden between two truths. Net: Hence the invention of lunch meat. This will save your lives. I must go; they are here.
POETRY IN MOTION
Net: Thank you, gentle readers, for heeding our call for original verse. Here are some poems we’ve selected for your edification. Submissions thus far have been simple, but heartfelt. We are hoping for eulogies, sonnets, and perhaps even requiems, before we’re through. Smile on!
Our first submission is …

From Tschuk!:

Fate, I Spit in Thine Own Eye

Thou controllst mine every move.
I change but can no difference maketh.
Thine death-grip that determines life,
And with it all mine freedom taketh.

Thou, in thine unfailing vision,
Knowst the woman I shall wed,
And every path I willst partake.
Thou knowst the place of my deathbed.

But nay, I shant with this dependence,
And thine evil grip concur.
Fate, I spit in thine own eye,
And with that, willst thine vision blur.
Net: Whoa. Very Marlowe, or early Wordsworth. Bravo! Bravo!
Next …

From The Poplar Poet:

A poem in Network.
What an idea!
Is printed poetry
Worth a dead tree?
Net: Damn straight. So’s a consistent rhyme scheme. But do not fear, please try again. You may succeed with rhyme — and then! Our hearts will travel, like a trucker. So keep on writing, mother ##@^$*^!
Thank you. Now, back to our regularly scheduled prose pieces.

THE BIG TIPPER
From Purple Penny Pincher: Hey Gored Tipper, I don’t understand the problem. I’ve never had a problem getting at least 15 percent on tips and my people very rarely drink water. Net: True. Maybe the garter and pasties help you in ways she can’t attempt.
I have some advice that may be helpful. First, wear a Vikings pin, hat, jersey, tie, tattoo or whatever you can get away with. Net: Full-body purple paint would also be acceptable. You see, most Minnesotans have a built-in Cheesehead radar, accurate to within 50 feet. Since you are in close contact with your customers, you’re doomed. Net: Just don’t talk like Laverne from “Laverne & Shirley,” and you’ll be OK.
However, Vikings paraphernalia acts as a shield; like lead to Superman, we can’t see through it. Net: Except for Roger Headrick. He wrapped himself in the team, and we could still see through his pathetic soul. For you I would strongly suggest the helmet and braids, as your cheddar stench is strong. Net: We always thought Wisconsinites smelled like sour milk. Or chicken. Oops. That’s how they taste. Throw in a “Die Packers, Die!” T-shirt and I personally guarantee 15 percent or better! Net: But wouldn’t the hives give you away? Good Luck.