Net: Golden Gopher sports teams play their respective sports well. Today, for fun, we are running our hallowed helvetica words in 8 point font instead of 8.5. Never say we don’t keep things spicy!
LETTERMAN BLOWS
From PubLabsGuy: Top ten uses for Coffman Union:
10. Squirrel Breeder Net: We thought that’s what garbage cans were for. With their many openings in the top, they’re basically a squirrel hotel.
9 . Bungee jumping from the top floor for a couple of tokens … like the tokens from the games that no longer are played there. (Did ya see that neato gap between the wall and the floors now?)
8 . Invite Geraldo Rivera over and have him open it up and see what’s inside. Net: He might find an old glass bottle.
7 . Blow it up and put it on TV. Invite the journalism students over (perhaps invite them inside?) Net: To do what? Protest? God knows they haven’t been taught to report have the civil engineering people figure out how to blow it up, invite all the protesters (give ’em complementary nose rings), who will come to see the exploding squirrel bits (see 10)
6 . Partition it into little squares and have the “UNIVERSITY ORGANIZATIONS” paint ’em in. (Then blow it up??)
5 . Restore it to wetlands status? Bring back the native grasses? Net: We’ve been known to sow some wild oats there from time to time Let the buffalo roam?
4. Genetically Modified Creature habitat? Need I say more? (The U’s Medical Experiment / Cat Vivisection division Net: Is that related to cat juggling? The horror Á can move in next door)
3. Move the pinball machines back in, put warning signs up that read “Step Down” on the doors, and whoever falls down to the basement, well, they should have read the signs.
2. Re-create a scene from the Matrix? Net: That scene where they ate the mushy food?
1. Squirrel shooting range?
HAI-FOO & ETC.
From Mephistofalafeles:
1) I didn’t read you
Thursday; missed call for haiku.
Hope it’s not too late!
2) Net doesn’t like me:
Won’t print my entries, & prints
Dumb drivel instead.
Net: Meph writes long, boring
Does not compliment the Net
Mentions not hockey
3) Thesaurus, isn’t
That a kind of dinosaur?
Loquacious lizard.
4) I’ve just begun this
Haiku and already I’ve
Run out of syllab
5) Poetry is lame,
Yes it is, lamer than a
Pack of crippled dogs.
From loinclothwarbler: Network, you buttsuckious Net: You’re the one who likes to suck butts. You walk down the street all day long, sucking butts. You say “Mmmm Á I LOVE TO SUCK BUTTS. Where is another butt that I can suck? Mmmm Á Can’t get enough of those wonderful butts.” You try to hide your shame from your friends, but they eat your shame — They feed off of your shame of sucking butts. They say “Here comes the butt-sucker. Dinner is served.” piece of drivel, I must share with you a true story about my favorite street walker. My friends Net: Shame and I admirably refer to him as the talking-to-himself-garbage-eater. This balding-blonde-lamb- chop-sideburned-guy walks around campus and Dinkytown with his stocking cap (in the colder seasons), jean jacket, and his yellow shirt tucked into his pants. I see him almost every time I traverse to campus, but I don’t always get to see him leering into a trash receptacle for a treat. It’s a lucky day when I see him reach into the depths of a trash can, pull out a Net:Pair of mating squirrels pop bottle or a cup of coffee and drink the leftover contents. This summer I witnessed the greatest garbage-eating binge of all time. I watched in amazement as the talking-to-himself-garbage-eater drank the backwash in a sprite bottle and a cup of coffee out of the garbage can by SBS. He then proceeded north on 15th Avenue where he picked up some ABC gum off the sidewalk and ate it. Ten feet later he found a cigarette butt on the ground and sparked it up. Net: As well he should! Do you realize that some people don’t even smoke the entire filter? They’re missing out on some of the most addicting chemicals in the cigarette! It was awesome. … I had never seen him smoke before that fateful summer day. Now he is hooked. The other day I saw him smoking two cigarettes at once. What a man!
From Banky Edwards: Oh glorious and sexy Net. I think I saw you the other day Net: You hang out at Lickety-Split also?!? and you were one hot tamale. Net: We usually get called a cold, wet burrito After watching the Vice Presidential debate (which was required for a class), I have come to the conclusion that Dick Cheney is insane. Our armed forces are a large assembly of WARRIORS. Let’s go in and instead of keep peace, start wars! Net: The best defense is a good offense. Invade Canada now! He has convinced me he’s nuts. I bet he doesn’t even like HOCKEY. While the debates and the fact that you, Net, are quite the looker are on my mind Net: You like fatties?, my main reason for writing in is to defend my honor and the quaint village over which I reign from a most heinous attack this last Thursday. If this attack had come from an equal (i.e. anyone but a lowly freshman), I would have taken it with a grain of salt, but apparently this freshman hasn’t figured out that he/she should walk with his/her tail between his/her legs. This said, DreamingNeonBlack drop and give me 50 push-ups. When you’re done (and no doubt red in the face, and on the verge of passing out), you’re gonna get a little bit of the good ol’ Cleveland Steamroller, you rat-bastard. Any upperclassman would have been able to decipher that I spoke solely of music when applying P.T. Barnum’s fitting quote. Furthermore, if you had taken the time to read Batteriesnotrequired‘s entry from the previous week, you would’ve read about them saying Creed has to rule because they’ve been in the top 10 for something like a year straight, which has to make them cool … I think everyone would agree that using that as the main point of your argument when speaking of music is something that a 10-year-old teeny-bopper would use. Don’t NUT with the Jesus. Net: Have a NUTTINGgood Monday.
