Dear Dr. Date,
I don’t know if you print responses in your column and I doubt that you have the space for mine, but if you wanted to print my response that would be fine. If you are not able to print it, please forward the following letter to Scientific-American.
I felt compelled to write when I read your letter. Let me get this straight — you have an “urge” to date, but you don’t want to date because you think that relationships are only the result of a natural instinct to reproduce. Correct? So, if human relationships are based on this instinct, are they less valid or less enjoyable? Let’s assume that people only date because they are driven by a biological instinct. So what! Guess what: Whenever you eat, you are driven by a natural instinct. Does that mean you can’t enjoy that pizza? Every time you take a breath you do it out of instinct. Are you going to stop breathing? I hope not. Do you go around arguing that you have the urge to breathe, but you don’t want to give in to your instincts? Our biological instincts lead us to do a lot of things. You don’t need to resist them. Do you enjoy putting your arms around a woman’s warm body? Do you ever get butterflies in your stomach before a first kiss? It might be natural instincts driving these feelings, but who cares? Besides, I don’t believe relationships are just “wrappers to our basic instinct to pass on our own genes.” If we were driven by this instinct, we would reproduce like jack rabbits. No one would stay in 50-year relationships. We would bang out some babies during our fertile years and get out of town. We also wouldn’t be as selective about our mates. We could just shag everybody and increase the odds of our seeds’ survival by having kids. I happen to believe that my parents’ 28-year marriage is a bit more meaningful than a means of reproduction. Why would infertile or childless couples even be together? It seems to me that your argument just doesn’t hold water. I bet the girl you like is hoping you will act on your urge to ask her out. Do it! I wish you the best of luck!
— LO
Well said, LO. At one level, we are animals and it can be exceedingly enjoyable to do things just because it feels right. What makes us human is what goes beyond instinctual sex and attraction. How can you explain some of the odd things people do? Why do I write this column? Why do people make beautiful movies? What instinct causes this?
It’s good that we question our motives. It makes us responsible people in a largely abusive world.
