You’ve heard it, I’ve heard it, everyone has heard it. From our teachers, parents and the chief from “Where in the World is Carmen San Diego?”: “Little Tommy, you too can grow up and one day be president.” Guess what, Tommy? You can’t. Neither can millions of other children who are force-fed this confidence-building trash.

There are a few main guidelines that really cut the field up: 1. You have to be a male. So “Tommy” can’t be a “Tanya.” I know, it’s terrible and it’s wrong, but this is a man’s world. It’ll change someday, I truly believe that, but that day has not yet come. 2. You have to be white. No Tommy Chong, Tommy Shah, Tommy Dominguez or Tommy Akindele. Damn, that one counts me out too. Once again, it’s terrible. With any luck we will see a black president in our lifetime, but Asians like me or Latinos? Don’t bet on it. 3. You have to have been rich or become rich at some point in your life. So Tommy, those shoes better be Jordans, and that backpack Louis Vuitton. Don’t get me wrong, poor folks can be president – as long they become a millionaire before they run.

Those are the big ones, but that’s not all. Presidents are smart, and highly educated, so go to college, Tommy. Presidents are successful in everything they do, so work hard and persevere, Tommy. Presidents try to keep their records clean throughout their lives, so Tommy, no hookers, interns, Paula Joneses, groping, inhaling marijuana, snorting cocaine, ditching the draft, going absent without leave from 1972-73, protesting against a war you fought in, extramarital affairs or sodomy. I know it’s going to be tough, but – Tommy, put that crack pipe down! You want to be president don’t you? Oh right, doesn’t matter.

So, as Tommy has learned, so should you – and tell your kids – not everyone can be president. In fact, I’d say the actual number is more like 1 percent of the population. So be honest with your children, and with yourselves. Your poor, Indian, hooker-loving daughter (with a penchant for sweet lady H) can’t be president, and neither can you.

Neil Munshi is a University student and welcomes comments at [email protected].