Net: In honor of ho…

Net: In honor of homecoming, our theme today is …

BE TRUETO YOURSCHOOL
From Whomever: Like all Network readers, I have noticed quite a barrage of U of M’ers either bashing or defending our fine school. Net: Your assumption is a bit complacent. Many Network readers may have noticed this — it’s true. But as our latest reader survey shows that our main following is still “People who took too many drugs in high school,” you may be overestimating our collective attention span. I transferred here from UMD (yeah, I know … ) Net: Baaaahhhhh … this year, and I just thought I’d throw my two cents in. Net: Which is worth a quarter in Da-lute, ya know.
At UMD, there basically is NO Homecoming. Net: Who wants to “come home” to Duluth, anyway? Last year (my freshman year), the only reason I even knew it was Homecoming was because of one sign posted in my dorm. Net: Wow. Good thing you could read. This year, the headline of the UMD Statesman said “UMD celebrates first Homecoming in 20 years.” Net: That’s how long it took the queen to get out on parole. This “Homecoming” consisted of a parade with about seven participants. Pretty exciting shit, I might say. The U of M’s Homecoming is spectacular. Net: Heck, it would be odd to have a Homecoming parade here without seven ARRESTS! So much to do, and so many people get into it. You should be proud that so much pride is in this school.
One other thing … to all of you brave enough to wear any form of Wisconsin apparel (I’m talking UW-Madison here), watch out. I am taking it upon myself to tell you that you are no longer welcome here, and you should cross the good ol’ Mississippi and stink with the rest of your retard Badger-backers. Net: Rah, Rah! Ski-U-Mah! Let’s hear it for that old college spirit!

From Aeris and Wall: Hola, all-knowing Network! Hola. Como estas? Querais Taco Bell? No les gustan Taco Bell. Prefieren Che Guevara. We’re just writing in to you to get something off our minds. What’s up with desecrating the Washington Avenue Bridge with papers and goopy white glue (at least I hope that’s what it is) when there are bulletin boards all along the inside of the bridge? We don’t know if anyone else happened to notice the smears all along the bridge, but we find it rather stupid and definitely tasteless considering this Friday is Beautiful U Day. All students who have been here for more than two years MUST remember how it looked a year ago last summer. It was worse than Ghetto Target.
With Yudof’s take-charge attitude, the U has become a more beautiful and safer place to be. If people have a political opinion they want voiced, they should use the proper channels. Gluing paper on half the windows of the bridge is a very bad example of the group. Adieu Net: Bon soir and happy Homecoming.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
From Lolita: Good day to all those fanatical Net readers. Net: Like, dude, sure! I have read for quite some time now and am continually amazed how close to monkeys humans still are. Net: MONKEYS! For example, the Daily has something called classifieds, and in those classifieds there is a section called “lost and found.” This is the place to whine about how your little junk-obsessed brain forgot a precious nothing.
Net is a place to learn about the lunatics streaking around this campus, not to read about CLA morons who are so loaded on smack they can’t remember where their personal possessions are once finished. Net: Shhhhhh! You’re offending our CORE CONSTITUENCY!
But, while we are on the subject of things that are without an owner, I have another complaint. I accidentally lost something in Pioneer Hall the other weekend. Net: Ah, the irony. Been dancin’ with Mr. Brownstone again? Well, that isn’t completely true — I knew I wouldn’t leave there without it. I am not sure where in the hall — however, I do remember climbing up a lot of stairs to get there. So, if anyone in Pioneer has it, hmmm … naw, I don’t want my bra back, but have a nice day.

HOWL

From Michelle Primeau: Will the modern day tower of babble be one of e-mail madness infesting and infiltrating the young and promising brain cavities of the Gopher-happy masses, only to be struck down by the hand of our Lord Almighty in the form of a computer virus or the oh-so-wise and witty Network?
Let us ponder — hmmm.
Must run to class like a midget who just can’t make it across 1.5 miles of campus in 15 minutes, and the big people (why get fancy here, big works just fine, I tell you) just look away and into the distance playing dumb and blind to the midgets’ heavy breathing and frantic weaving. Ah ha, unless the big person is bold enough to catch the eye of another oncoming big person (I would try the midget but the distance between eye levels is too great — sorry, I just can’t make that jump) in passing, each having bore witness to the oppression, exploitation, hatred and contempt of this world in its utter existence for the mutilated, sick, elderly, minority, heathen, gender-impaired, barbaric, computer-illiterate, blind, crippled, weak, ugly-kids-named-Joe part of this world and bust into obscene laughter straight from the belly, hearty and full, knees buckling, belly gripping, feet-stomping.
The sick bastards. Net: And we think we’re in love. Sigh. Have a nice day Michelle (and everyone else). And watch your step.