EQUAL TIME Net: We…

EQUAL TIME
Net: Welcome to summer, when the living is easy and tuition is far from free. You notice that our space has been cut back. Don’t worry — the squirrels haven’t taken control of Daily management — yet. It’s just that the papers are smaller in the summer, and we’re doing our part to make sure you get the maximum information in this minimal space.
We pick up this summer where we left off in the spring. Our film critics abound with insight, and for now, we give their commentaries a “thumbs up.” But you may need to pick up the slack at any time. So write.

From Dart-man: Over the last few days I’ve read several Network entries that identify Godzilla as a reptile. Even though Godzilla is reptile-like, he (or is it she?) is a member of a previously thought to be extinct class of animals called dinosaurs.
If Godzilla had a sprawling stance, then from outward appearances you’d be reasonably safe to call him a reptile. Net: Just not to his face.
Even though the word dinosaur translated means “terrible lizard” they are in fact not true lizards. Would it be fair to call us fish because we possessed fish gills at one point in our development? Net: Yes. Most fish are peace-loving. That would do us some good.
Well now that I got that off my chest I’d like to thank all the netheads for some great reading. I’m sure the proud tradition of Network will go on long past our tenure here. Net: That is, assuming tenure exists in the 21st century. As Arnold would say “I’ll be back” — but with a German accent.
EQUAL TIME
Net: Let no one say we don’t offer diverse views. Here’s a follow-up to our last Net of the spring:

A response to The Alcohol Guy, from The Guy Who Likes Alcohol: As most of you students prepare for the summer, it is important to remember that alcohol use is a year-round activity. Because the University wants you to have a fun and enjoyable summer, here are some things to keep in mind:
* The minority of students (35 percent) who drink three or more drinks per week can still drink responsibly. They have much more fun doing so than those who spend their weekend nights immersed in their studies and will still do just as well and graduate just as fast.
* If you are going to drink, make sure you eat if you are feeling hungry (but make sure your choice is OK’d by The Alcohol Guy, since peanuts, popcorn and potato chips evidently aren’t food). One side effect of eating is your body’s ability to absorb alcohol less quickly.
The body can only process about one drink per hour — therefore shots, beer bongs, shotgunning, and drinking games will help you reach your nightly goal much more quickly. The technical term for this is higher drinking productivity.
* The average light beer contains only about 95-110 calories.
* Most members of the opposite sex appear to look more attractive when either the man or the woman, or both, are intoxicated.
* While .10 is the limit for driving while intoxicated in Minnesota, impairment can begin as low as .03 if you are a lightweight. Also, driving can be impaired if you are tired, talking on a cell phone, or trying to eat fast food in the car, so please refrain from driving in any of these instances.
* Anyone under the age of 21 who is drinking has beaten the system. Congratulations, you rebel!
* The average person uses only one-fifth of his/her brain, so you have plenty of brain cells to spare. Keep this in mind when consuming alcohol.
Have a great summer, and you won’t see me in the fall! Net: And, uh, thank you for your response. It’s folks like you who explain the higher depression rates among politically progressive people. Some days you just gotta wonder … have good ones, y’all.