Net: Welcome to Monday. Population: 0.


MARV ALBERT ROCKS!

From The Videophile: Well Network, we finally meet face to face. Net: We have no face I’ve kept a low profile around this place, but I finally ran out of patience. I’m talking about the stupid Olympic Games coverage that channel 11 provides. There are three huge problems I have with it. 1) Athlete profile stories. Before every event they air a story about one of the athletes in that event. The story is supposed to be moving or make the event more exciting to watch. A basic example would be something like this: Joe Joe bought his first pair of shoes with the money he earned by recycling aluminum cans he dug out of dumpsters. This was his start on the road to the Olympics. Net: You notice they never mention that “Joe Joe’s parents paid $150,000 a year for a professional coach to train him from age 3 to age 22. Now, he is a good runner.” These stories are usually stupid and are a waste of airtime. They also make me want to poke out my eyeballs with forks and then disembowel myself. 2) The commentators. I have yet to see a good Olympic commentator. They do two things, state the obvious and try to make it exciting (which they fail miserably at). Net: It’s hard to add excitement to Women’s team heavyweight 22 meter light air pistol relay Here is an example of an Olympic commentary: The US is leading in the race but in order to win they will have to keep that lead. What do you think Joe? I think you’re right Al. Commentators aren’t necessary at all because if your watching you can see who is winning for yourself. 3) Gymnastics. Namely, girls gymnastics because that is all they show. You turn on your TV to watch the Olympics and there is a 99 percent chance you will see girls gymnastics. Net: Or those irritating Subway commercials It shouldn’t even be a sport. I know it requires a lot of physical strength and skill, but when the winner is decided by a judge it is totally arbitrary. A person gets a gold metal because 8, or however many, “judges” said so. And we know they are all biased anyway. Net: We think they should only get judged by how attractive they are. It’s the only fair way Another problem with girls gymnastics is that they are all in their teens and you won’t see them at the next Olympics because they will be too old. You know it’s a stupid sport when you can’t compete at 20 because you’re too old. I blame all these problems on the fact the TV has gone to hell. Zeppelin does rock, by the way. Net: Again, you are incorrect. Led Zeppelin does not have the ability to play music well.

NEW OLYMPIC SPORT?

From Spoon: Net, if memory serves me right (as it rarely does), I do have the object of your desire, Net: Rold-Gold chedder cheese pretzels? the Wham-O Roller Racer stored within the far reaches of my parents’ garage, put away after years of misuse and general abuse, to rust away while covered in dust and cobwebs. Although it may take several hours to return it to a semi-usable state, there is one major problem with using said Roller-Racer to tool around campus. That being, there is almost no road or sidewalk on campus worthy of it’s presence.
If I remember, the Roller-Racer had some great features that allowed it to not go uphill at all and to stop completely when faced with a small pebble. Net: Sounds like the Toyota Echo Give me a week or two to dig up the old relic and fix it up, find me a surface suitable for it’s power, Net: Mariucci? and I will be glad to showcase my lack of Roller-Racer skills for all to see. I have never been above public humiliation for profit. Speaking of profit, I’ll sell advertising space. Who wouldn’t want their message posted on the back of the guy who is riding the Roller-Racer? I’ll only pin one ad to my back for the highest bidder. Net: We’ll give you $5 for three laps around the 10th Avenue bridge at high traffic time, replete with Network paraphernalia. Anybody else have a Roller-Racer and want to join in? Contact us. We could have a whole Roller-Racer race! The horror Á

WILD GAY YONDER

From Molochjinxs: Hello Networkian minions, Net: The collective prefers to refer to them as lackeys or underlings I have a public service announcement for Daily readers.
Each morning I take the No. 2 bus to class, and barring 10 a.m. drunks harassing the driver or the occasional Franklin Ave drama, it gets me where I want to go. And each morning, as we pass the intersection of Cedar and Riverside, I look up at the huge billboard which shows an aircraft carrier hotty in a crew cut gettin’ a big-ass plane ready to bomb the bejeesus out of some foreigners. Net: Hopefully the Canadians At the top it says, “Let the Adventure Begin.” This morning the message had miraculously changed. Now it reads, “Let the Homolove begin.”‘ Will the culprit please stand up and take a bow? And JROTC take note … rumor has it that the Armory men’s bathroom is the cruisiest on campus. Net: Even better than the rest stop bathroom over in Wisconsin on 94? Err Á wegottago Thanks …

SCOOTER SCAT

From NormalGuy: Hello, Net. While GutterPunkGirl may think that she understands the reasons why she rides a scooter, it is obvious to me that she is mistaken. So then, for clarification and the amusement of all (maybe), I offer this more correct version of the three reasons why she does it:
Reason ##1: As Net so eloquently put it, I think I look cool. The reason I didn’t ride a scooter last year is, because nobody else was riding them last year. Duh! (Net: Sorry, italics are as far as we can go The scooter only became an efficient means of transportation after I saw that many stupid people were using them. Net: Just as we will do with the Roller-Racer! Wham-O forever! During the winter, I will also be wearing a pea-coat.
Reason ##2: I put a bunch of stupid shit that I don’t need in my backpack, Net: like books and pencils so people will think that my life is more important than theirs is. As a result, walking anywhere becomes an insurmountable task.
Reason ##3: I’m a big four-eyed lame-o who wears the same stupid sweater everyday. Net: TouchÇ. Are you on the debate team?
Hope that clears up any confusion.
Net: We’ll catch y’all on the flip side.