A CLEAN BREAK
From Phlegm of Discontent: Ahh, spring break. A time when a young man’s lustful intentions go unfulfilled once again. Net: Speak for yourself, Phlegm! Melissa paid us a visit over the break — rrrRAAWRr! (Of course, now we’ve got this nasty virus to deal with.) … I had many things to ponder in my travels away from the Twin Cities. For instance, do women with nipple rings have trouble at airports? Is “mailman” repetitive? Do vegans eat animal crackers? Unable to find answers to these profound questions, I went to Vietnam to protest the removal of land mines. Then I hopped on my whale-driven sea chariot to test my latest weapon of mass destruction. (You haven’t lived until you’ve seen a 500 megaton airburst with your own eyes.) Net: We’ll attest to this. Afterward, I won $500 at the cockfight in Tijuana. Thoroughly bored with foreign nations, I traveled back home and got myself a nice dinner of veal and scrambled condor eggs. Some protesters wandered into the steak house to protest something or other. No one disturbs my feeding and gets away with it. So, I threw some live minks at them and urged them to try and free the tigers from the zoo. Having finished my meal, I hopped on my Bike of Doom (the Gas Guzzler is in the shop yet again) and rode home to wage war on my roommates for control of Liberia. Net: Yeah, and the PlayStation, we bet. I didn’t really need it, I just wanted to complete my collection of small, impoverished West African countries. Seeing as how it was Sunday night, and I had class the next day, I sat down and watched the Simpsons before going to bed. Thus ended my most boring spring break ever.
From Star of the Morning: I am writing in part to offer my humble apologies to Captain Coffman, whom I may have offended with my asinine and unduly harsh haiku of some time ago. I was very ill with the flu at the time, and I am now apologizing to more than one party for inappropriate behaviors. As for certain others, whose names I unfortunately can’t remember (except for Rollerdiva; I’m not hip enough to know what she’s on or what the hell she’s talking about), your letters made me want to vomit. On the other hand, I want to thank whoever wrote in about taking back spring break. Here is the tale of my own spring break:
Stupid prep sleaze jocks
Threaten to beat me to death
I don’t shave my legs
My friend dates a jock
Who drives drunk, treats her like crap
Somebody shoot me
“YOU MAY FIRE WHEN READY …”
From Robert Plant: I have just two questions for Networkians. Has anyone else noticed that the south side of the alumni center looks like the Death Star? Net: That’s no moon. That’s a space station. Are any of us surprised? I’ve always suspected that the University was affiliated with “the dark side” (a.k.a. MSA). What are they planning to do with this concoction? Net: Dantooine. They’re on Dantooine. Whoops, that’s a third question. Allow me to rephrase. Perhaps they have some nefarious plan for their ill-begotten building. Net: We find your lack of faith disturbing, Robert. I have no idea what that means, so I shall digress. I’m not suggesting we do anything about this imminent threat to our lives/the rebellion. Hey, hey, what can we do? Net: In our moment of triumph? I think you overestimate their chances! Perhaps the squirrels are behind it …
Well, I’m off to work, singing: “It’s just a spring clean for the May Queen” Net: Forty-five days until The Phantom Menace. You are not ready.
OO-COOC KACHOO
From Egg Man: Before the first day of the quarter, as I was walking home past the Electrical Engineering and Computer Science building, I stepped in something that crunched a little under my feet. Net: An African beetle? A contact lens? Crunchy frog? I looked down to see a busted egg. I looked around and there was about five or six smashed eggs all around me. Net: Lousy Velociraptors … Then another one landed 10 feet in front of me. I looked off in the direction of the throw. There was some guy on the roof of Lind Hall waving his arms at the sky while screaming something. I’m not sure exactly what he said but it sounded like, “HOME OF THE WEATHER MAN!!” whatever that means. Net: Did he ever say, “WHAT’S THE FREQUENCY, KENNETH?” I kept walking, looking at him in case he decided to try to pelt me again. He shouted, “what are you looking at?” I said “nothing” and got out of his line of fire. I stopped and looked back. He threw another egg. It seems he was just throwing them at the EE\CSci building. Strange stuff. Did anyone else see this?
WAGGING THE DOG
From Armless Wonder: I smell conspiracy with the huge picture of “The Streak” in Tuesday’s Daily. Net: Oh, great … not another squeamish nudity basher … It cannot be mere coincidence that a Daily photographer “happened” to be on the mall when a naked guy just “happened” to be running by the audience that just “happened” to be gathered on the retaining wall. Really, how often (outside a bitterly cold Minnesota winter) do people sit that close together? Net: Up With People? And all of them facing the camera? I knew the Daily would stoop to any level to fill space that could contain informational articles, but staging a photo opportunity? That’s low. And if, by some liver fluke of nature all these elements came together to form the perfect photograph to ease the transition back to classes after a morally-bankrupt spring break, I will seriously have to start preparing my armageddon survival kit. Net: It may already be too late — Netstradamus says: Kosovo = Tinderbox. The King of Terror smiles; Obsequians dance a gleeful jig. Prepare yourselves, Networkians. The NITWIT team can’t save you all. In fact, NITWIT operatives are looking for volunteers. Three months ’til T day. Are you ready?
