From Rollerdiva: Dear Net, I would love to embrace this opportunity to thank Picaro for naming me queen of style! Net: Congratulations! You’ve … erm … earned it. Never in all of my many fashionable escapades have I ever bettered the status of diva, and now, in a true moment of undivadom — namely, puking in a urinal in the ever unstylish Hardees — have I achieved the sought after title of QUEEN of STYLE! Now I have a little confession. This weekend some friends and I were arrested at the May Day Festival in Powderhorn Park for indecent exposure. Net: Trust us, Networkians; there was nothin’ indecent about it … yow! We were in the parade, wearing bikinis made out of kale, Swiss chard and other leafy green vitamin K-packed vegetables, which the junior park po-po, who was really this short fat balding man with a Napoleon complex (we were all like … two feet taller than him) decided we were a little too revealing. To him I send a two-handed WHATEVER! Anyway, one of the arrestees is a reporter for the City Pages, so watch for the exclusive!
Oh yeah — my confession. The moral of my story is, since I spent the weekend in jail, I was nowhere near the Hardees on University Ave., where my alleged promotion from diva to queen took place, unless maybe you saw me two weekends ago, when I spent the whole weekend in an ecstasy-induced love-haze, where I can totally imagine myself having an experience similar to, or identical with that my aforementioned hero Picaro described. Net: OK, time for our confession. By the time we printed Picaro’s letter, it was probably about a week or more old. Looks like you’re busted, Roller.
So Picaro, since you totally did me a favor and raised me to the ranks of fashion royalty, and you obviously need so much help, I’m going to let you in on a little secret about pencils. First, pencils are good for two things: using them to flirt with IT boys and getting their phone numbers. Duh! For everything else, there is Parker Insignia. But if you absolutely insist on integrating nominals in pencil, for some reason like: you aren’t smart enough to get it right the first time (like clothing and haircuts), you should get a pencil that makes you feel good. Net: EcoWriters make us feel good.
For me such a pencil exists, and they sell it at the bookstores. I don’t even know what kind it is, but it’s the prettiest, most stylin’ pencil ever to come out of the pencil factory, and it costs $8. (Pricey, I know, but I think that’s half of why I love it so much) I’ve bought it twice, and every time I use it I feel like the hottest, sexiest chick, even though it can do more things that I really need it to do. It even has this dial on it so you can select the hardness of the lead. Wow! You should really check this one out, Picaro. It’s the very least I can do for you.
From Buckmedown: Why do people feel its necessary to clip their fingernails in the library? Net: Because it just makes the most delicious sound … And I’m not talking about in the bathrooms … oh no, right there at the tables! They leave their foul-ass hangnails and fungus all on the tabletops. These people are just as nasty as those guys who feel its OK to “rub one out” while they watch girls read. Net: Or attend the May Day parade … There’s nothing more appealing then having to check the chairs and tables for piles of fingernails when you go to the library! Of course the crummy-ass security guards won’t do anything; they’re too busy sweating the people who have water in the library … because that’s a crime!

From So It Goes: Howdy Network, Networkians, etc. I feel like ranting and since my soapbox is in the shop, this is the next best forum: Net: Hey! We’re good for something … !
1) Pizza Hut guy. You know who you are. I don’t think I saw a side order of liberal rhetoric with my pepperoni pizza. Net: Actually, that comes with the Daily Card special.
2) I’m sick of hearing drunk frat boys sing Eminem and DMX. Buy FOW’s new album, then you’ll realize why you’re an a$$##ole. Then you can change and we can have our own little Utopian Parkway.
3) Would someone please wear a band shirt into the CSOM building? It’s hard enough finding someone without khakis on. It doesn’t matter what band, anybody from Foghat to Foo Fighters, Net: How ’bout Falco? I don’t care. Net: Yyyyess! I’m just sick of Gap-property girls with their noses so high up they’re facing the ceiling and Abercrombie and Fitch frat boys kissing so much ass they’re thinking they’re getting action.
From Star of the Morning: Network was right; I do know who the DLF is. My intent, in referring to the image of Trumpkin as a “garish troll,” was to insult the illustrator. The mystery was in the motive (I say “was” because the mystery has now been solved, and I must say that the motive was rather sickening). Net: For once in your life, Star, you could be a little less cryptic. RF, never mind that you compared me to Eustace; what did you mean by calling me “regular??” Do you think I’m some sort of inhuman, insusceptible-to-disease pooping robot? What’s going on? Even Eustace had his irregular days while violently ill on the Dawn Treader.

From Crackbunnie: Apologies everyone, I haven’t written in a while. The Crackbunnie‘s been … busy. It’s spring, you know. Haven’t you noticed the increasing number of bunnies on campus? We’re taking over, and unless you hand over the ALF people (we’ve heard they’re a gRRReat carrot garnish), we’re going to eat all the pretty flowers on campus. Net: Markie Yudof wiw be aaaanngwyy! Especially the ones in front of the Bell Museum. It’s a great strategic location, right in front of the Armory. Bunnies like guns. YUM! (As long as we’re on the right side of them, of course. Kind of like needing to be on the right side of a fork. EEEEK!)