Friday night’s Gophers football loss to Michigan was disturbing on many levels. After witnessing the heartbreaking ending firsthand in the Metrodome, I broke down and started weeping uncontrollably in my seat. And as syrupy mascara cascaded down my face, I shook my fist into the air and let forth a deafening, baboon-like scream. How could things go so terribly wrong?
The chilling shriek left me disoriented and breathless, so I pawed my way to the aisles and did something impetuous. I was desperate to create a symbolic stunt in order to qualm the misery of the fans. Using the fetal position, I shifted my weight and tumbled down the aisle stairs, bouncing from step to step like a huge, gelatinous armadillo. When I came to, the stadium was dark, everyone was gone and I found myself stuck pretzel-style in a fence at the end of the staircase.
Well, that’s sort of what happened. OK, that’s nothing like what happened. But the outcome was such a downer that it very well could have taken place.
In reality, I left the game immediately after time expired, stunned at what had gone down. Michigan had somehow managed to come up with 31 points in the fourth quarter, and the Gophers’ defense could not stop them. The stats speak for themselves. Something went very wrong. On my return home from the stadium, I came to a shocking conclusion: There would be no rioting that night.
Even more shocking, however, is the conclusion I came up with while mourning at home. I believe that the Gophers’ last-minute loss of control was due to a massive conspiracy. It all makes perfect sense: the collapse of the Gophers defensive, the questionable decisions of coach Glen Mason and the developments on the grassy knoll all fit into my proposal. Oh sure, it would be easy just to call a spade a spade and accept Michigan’s comeback, but it wouldn’t be right. Minneapolis police, get my dossier ready, because there is plenty more to add to it. It’s conspiracy time Ö
First of all, a “dummy message” warning people not to riot was sent out to University students via e-mail late Thursday night so as to immediately dispel any ideas that the game’s outcome was planned. I know for a fact that every play of the game was elaborately planned out. A few days ago, I just so happened to see University President Bob Bruininks and professional wrestling planner extraordinaire Vince McMahon eating at Chipotle. Mind you, I saw this out of the corner of my eye, but it makes sense. The game was planned so well it brought about the most heartbreaking loss possible, ruining the morale of the students who wished to riot after a victory. Our football administration was paid off with promises of a brand new stadium in order to cooperate with the evil master plan. Damage from rioting would be much more costly to the University than simply losing a football game. It’s a shame our winning streak had to end on account of riot prevention.
And if you need more proof, my trustworthy friend Steve tells me before the game he overheard some Michigan fans saying, “We are going to win this game – I know it!” This bit of information alone shows that the result was planned long before the game took place, and it also shows that covert information was leaked! The plan might have worked, but it will no longer be a secret.
Now that I have discovered this underground conspiracy and the people involved, I would like to make some requests. A public apology should be given by the conspirators, with a full confession and possibly an agreement that would prohibit such conspiracies from taking place again. Students deserve to know what their University is doing, and it’s a lot easier being upfront about issues than having them exposed at a later date. We want some answers. Additionally, I would like all of my bills to be paid, a house on the beach and a girlfriend. Thanks.
Matt Koehler’s columns appear alternate Mondays. He welcomes comments at [email protected]
