COOKIE QUEST!

Thomas Q. Johnson

 One man’s plight, nay trials, with the Girl Scout Cookie website.

 

Though it doesn’t seem like any Girl Scouts will be coming to my creepy crappy house in Como this year, I still have a need for their cookies like any other human being. Luckily for me, it seems some of the girls received their web programming merit badges this year because all the information I need that is keeping away from cookies is on http://cookielocator.littlebrownie.com/ . Using the power of the Internets, this site tells you exactly when and where Girl Scout Cookies are being sold once given your location.

 

I typed in my zip code and set the radius of my search to five miles because I’m not willing to spend more calories than it takes getting these things. The results for today, Monday the 9th, came back with a cookie sale going down in the skyway by the Target Center downtown. HECK YEAH! Now that I think of it I do remember from my Youth in Government days seeing Girl Scout Cookie tables set up in the skyway as I waddled back and forth from meetings to Taco Bell. I didn’t see a time listed for the operation but with nothing to do, I thought I would truck right after my afternoon classes.

 

I took the 61 downtown and entered the skyway but CURSES, I found that there were no green-sashed girls with cookies to be seen. I was squashed, “When Doves Cry” played in the skyway. I questioned a security guard who didn’t seem to know what the Girl Scouts even were before talking to the guy who worked in the T-Wolves merchandise store. He said he could confirm that the Girl Scouts do indeed set up shop outside of his store BUT he could only remember seeing them before T-Wolves games. When is the next T-Wolves game? Tonight, 7 p.m. I’ll be back!

 

I went back again before the game, there was definitely a crowd in the skyway, so I had my hopes up. “Modern Love” by David Bowie played through the speakers and I was pumped. I passed my friend at the T-Wolves merchandise store but didn’t see any Girl Scout Cookies as promised. I asked a police officer at the end of the skyway if he knew where in tarnation they had gotten to. He took pity upon me and told me that the Girl Scouts can’t sell their cookies until after the game so as to prevent people from taking them in but he assured me if I waited until then they would be there. Drat! Foiled again! At least he didn’t arrest me for taking my bike in the skyway.

 

For the third time today I went to the skyway to find the illusive Girl Scout Cookie table that cookie locator had promised. The skyway had all but cleared out after the T-wolves’ 110-99 loss to the Wizards which made me worry that, being a school night and all, the Girl Scouts had left. The first table I came to was empty with a sheet of paper that read “Girl Scout Table.” Shattered, I thought of all the terrible things I was going to Twitter about the Girl Scouts when I got home. Just then another table caught me eye and it was in fact the GIRL SCOUT COOKIE TABLE! I bought 1 Samoas, 2 Thin Mints, 1 Tagalongs and 1 Dulce de Leche, which is a new caramel flavored coffee cookie and is, dear readers, worth the $3.50. When I left the little boy (either the Girl Scouts have expanded their vision or my glasses were really foggy) said to his mom, “wow that man sure likes cookies!” Darn right. Culture Club’s “Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?” played triumphantly as I left.

 

I hadn’t realized how long of a post this would be because I hadn’t thought it would take me more than one trip to get the goods. I was going to write here how it was silly that the website didn’t list times for the cookie sales but now as I go back to double check…rats…there it is: Timberwolves-Target Center, Troop 11232 9:00 p.m. – 11:00 p.m. Welp, seems like I should have read the site more closely, my bad.

 

With that issue out of the way, I give 5 out of 5 gold stars to the cookie-locator website (one for each box). It is perfect for us older folks who may not have the proper connections with the Girl Scouts to get in house treatment. For those of you who don’t want to go as far as I did, according to the cookie locator there is a sale at the Molecular and Cellular Biology building, the one with the big molecule in front, this Friday from 9 a.m. to 1 p.m.. Remember, Girl Scout Cookies are only here until the end of the month so time is limited.

 

I’m not sure how I did on my calorie balance for the day but overall I feel it was successful. I ended up with my cookies, learned how the cookie locator website works and realized that the skyway plays some sweet music. So tonight, I can sleep the brave sleep of a man who knows that he sleeps with 50 Thin Mints nestled in his stomach. God bless the Girl Scouts, God bless the Interents and God bless America.