How “Gilmore Girls” ruined my life

Amy Sherman-Palladino, please don’t break our hearts again.

Joe Cristo

While writing this article, I realized I sort of hate “Gilmore Girls.”

I don’t exactly hate it, but the Amy Sherman-Palladino-written teenage slop affair has ruined my life in a lot of ways. It’s created unrealistic expectations of women, friendship, music and diner food. Small town life finally seemed cozy and glamorous at the same time.

For the uninformed, “Gilmore Girls” is a show that follows the young and socially gregarious Lorelai Gilmore (Lauren Graham) and her genius daughter Rory (Alexis Bledel) as they navigate their lives in the small fictional town of Stars Hollow, Connecticut.

A rotating cast of troubadours, chefs and curmudgeons populate the town. Melissa McCarthy plays Lorelai’s best friend and business partner, Sookie, and Sally Struthers plays the Gilmore’s free-spirited, baby-boomer neighbor.

The dialogue is fast-paced and rich with cheap references to dope stuff that make me guffaw at how witty it all is. The show is beautifully shot and the romantic plotlines are universal enough for anyone to empathize and fall in love with.

So, I grew up loving this show and these people, resenting how little my life resembled the close-knit town of Stars Hollow. After a seriously awful seventh season, the show was mercifully executed during the abhorrent WB-UPN merger that became the yuppie smug, CW.

Now, almost a decade later, a new season of the show will premiere on Netflix as a part of its list of awful reboots.

This bums me out.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m eagerly anticipating the Friday release of the new episodes. But I shudder at the thought of seeing all three of Rory’s teen loves paraded on screen in the least imaginative way possible. I don’t want to see Dean still living in Stars Hollow, working at the town grocery store. I don’t want to see Jess’s new, awful beard and creepy adult brand of self-absorption. I don’t want to see Logan, period.

This year, I had the mighty displeasure of watching the “Full House” reboot, “Fuller House.”

The untalented screen mugging of Candace Cameron Bure was what turned me off from the original series in the first place. Add in the fact that she has turned into Elisabeth Hasselbeck 2.0 on “The View” and that Kimmy Gibbler lives in the same house from 30 years ago, and you’ve got yourself my nightmare. Bob Saget and John Stamos were sneakily put into press material but rarely showed up.

My main worry with this “Gilmore Girls” reboot is that it will end up like “Fuller House.” What if reboots are always going to be worse than the original series they’re trying to reinvigorate?

In an effort to condemn something before it even starts (and because I operate solely by imposing my negativity on other people), I’ve compiled a small list of things that creator Amy Sherman-Palladino better not do. I creatively call these “Never-Dos.”

Don’t mess with Jess

Jess was Rory’s smartest, baddest and cutest boyfriend. When you ask a GG fan who their favorite love affair was, it’s almost always Jess.

I’d rather they just didn’t bring Jess back. Leave him in the past like he would’ve been if Rory was real. Let him die a graceful death on a motorcycle.

Don’t give Jess three minutes of screen time in a coffee shop or bar. Don’t make this some cheesy high school reunion. Don’t give Jess a family unless he’s a really good dad, otherwise my heart will explode.

And for goodness’ sake don’t give Jess a stupid, awful beard.

I’ve built my life on this dude.

Don’t make too many recent references

Every trailer I’ve seen has Lorelai and Rory referencing something recent. I’m cool with a few modern references, but a bulk of the original show was built on referencing things that are older and on esteemed ground.

Throwing references around is easy and cheesy. I find comedy built purely on references to be humorless and bland; “Community” is just a smug “Family Guy.”

But Sherman-Palladino has always been startlingly good at making me laugh at how clever this type of stuff can be.

Don’t give everyone iPhones and talk about the internet the whole time. Don’t mention Donald Trump more than once, and don’t use Taylor Swift as joke fodder. I’m sick of it.

Don’t Ruin Luke and Lorelai

The relationship between Luke and Lorelai was a centerpiece of the entire series. The show was basically one long moment of sexual tension drawn out over seven seasons.

Near the end of the show, Luke and Lorelai finally get together. The last episodes see them realizing they are meant for each other. The small town diner owner ends up with the girl-next-door.

Don’t just create drama because you can. Discord in this relationship better be well-reasoned and not evil. Don’t make the entire first seven seasons null because of some inner turmoil that Lorelai inevitably feels.

Don’t tear at the very fabric of what created thousands of smart, creative, fun, funny, dry, empathetic and curious young adults. You created us. At least in part.

Please don’t.