The University announced today that it will cut its Emergency Management Program because nothing bad ever happens.

President Mark Yudof said something had to go to compensate for a lack of support from the Legislature and the remaining legal fees from the 1999 men’s basketball academic fraud scandal.

“This department is just pretty useless,” he said. “I mean really, nothing bad ever happens here.”

Yudof said the biggest emergency the school has seen while he’s been here was during fall 1998 finals week, when University Dining Services ran out of coffee.

Judson Freed, the deputy director of emergency management, said he doesn’t understand why regents need to cut the department.

“Something horrible will happen and then everyone will say – ‘Where’s Freed? We don’t know what to do.’ And I’ll say, ‘Oh, you need me, do you?'” he said.

Freed was noticeably saddened as he packed up his belongings from his closet-sized office stuffed in the basement of Morrill Hall.

Freed said his job is essential to ensure the safety and security of all on campus and axing the program would come back to haunt the University.

President Yudof said the Emergency Management Department is not necessary to protect the University.

Yudof said if an emergency were to arise, regents would be responsible for constructing a plan of attack.

“Regents have proven their ability to make excellent plans, such as the University budget,” Yudof said.

The president said the regents have already begun training for possible emergency scenarios.

Vice President Tanya Moten Brown, for example, spent last Wednesday trying to talk down a student from the Washington Avenue bridge in a mock-jump drill.

Moten Brown said she was surprised at the rush of adrenaline she got as she scaled the railing trying to reach the pseudo-jumper.

“I think I did a good job. I’d be ready for a real emergency,” she said.

Regent David Metzen also participated in the emergency drills. He was in charge of the plan to break up protesters on campus.

Metzen said a plan for protesters is necessary because they have caused serious problems in the past, such as vandalism and public nuisance.

“The drill wasn’t hard,” he said. “All I had to do was wave a dime bag at the hippies and they dropped their signs and came running.”

Although the plan worked in the drill, Metzen said he was still skeptical of its effectiveness in a real protest situation.

“We did use the kids from NORML for the drill,” he said.

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