Net: The discussion continues over who will receive the coveted bronzed nuts as Network’s Slapnuts of the Year. Alas, the nominations process must be ceased in actual hopes of declaring a winner. So keep voting, Networkia.
DEEZ NUTZ
From FreshAss: I do agree, puffy Net, that Elmo and Melcher are very nice contenders for the award. Heck, even the Monticello Moron is deserving of a little whack in the jewels. Net: Mr. Przybilla, meet Mr. O’Neal. However, everybody at this construction-torn, butthole campus is forgetting about the true flatulence of this ghetto-boot school. BROTHER JED.
That’s right. You all know he’s out there, shouting Biblical profanities at the blurry-eyed freshstinks in the wee hours of the morn (you know, like nine/ten o’clockish). He’s the real narrow-minded, methane-reeking slapnuts around here. Net: And we are quite upset. There are so many others qualified for the position. Oh, what I would’ve done to see Jesus get spanked right in front of him. But if we nominate him, we must nominate those idiots that walk our sidewalks and ask us if we believe in that big guy in the sky.
Yeah, you know who I’m talking about. Those dumbasses who stop people every two seconds to tell us that we should attend church and read the Bible and crap. Net: We’ve always said that all three of those are just too much to do at one time. We prefer porn whilst perched on the throne. I’ve never seen people so brainwashed as these guys in my whole life. I tell you what, instead of the award, let’s just round all these ass-rippin’ nominees up and have a big nutslap fest. Net: SHHHHH! Nobody tell the gyro makers. It’ll get all touristy. It’ll be kinda like the spanking machine, but with the faint smell of musty nuts suspended in the air.
Peace.
From Kung Fu Joe: Ahoy, Net. Net: Yar? This is a question for Robert Plant. Are you Jim Scrotomeyer or just his mouthpiece? Net: Jim’s “mouthpiece” is currently indisposed, ifyoucatchourdrift. We all know about Jim’s distaste for female cheerleaders and “funny” writing Net: Actually, we hear Jim has a soft spot for funny writing. Like the stuff in the “other” sections of the Daily sounds a lot like Robert Plant’s entry. Just for that, I think Scrotomeyer should be Slapnuts of the Year. Net: While we fully support Scrot’s candidacy for the bronzed nuts, we must say he is not actually the plant in question.
From Chris Jericho: It’s the end of the year, Net: The hell you say. Where did the time go? and instead of studying for finals, guess what I’ve been doing? Net: Two words. Mastur Bation. That’s right, compiling the ultimate slapnut candidate list! First off, I would nominate all of the girls out there wearing handkerchiefs on their heads. What’s up with that? Are you trying to be a pirate Net: Yar, the scurvy swabettes are Net’s cackly crappies. So lay of, landlubber, or a maid or what? My grandpa blows his nose in handkerchiefs. Do you think an unsuspecting handkerchief-wearing girl would find it amusing if, as she walked by, I grabbed her head and blew my nose in it? Net: Let us think about that for a second. No. Just a thought. Net: That’s quite an overstatement, don’t we think.
Secondly, I would nominate University sports columnist, Jim Schortemeyer. Net: Poor, poor little Scrots. Oh, the humanity. Half his articles contradict his other articles, and the other half he just copies off the Associated Press. Thirdly, I would nominate myself Net: Thank you for sparing us the trouble of doing it for you, Chris Jericho, for not putting forth an effort to help “pass up Goldy” at one of the hockey games; thus, the large, smelly rodent came crashing down upon the pretty girl next to me — sorry about that.
Finally, I would nominate the Gophers hockey band, “the largest group of slapnuts” of all. There should be a sign next to their section at Mariucci that says, “Welcome to slapnuts country.” Net: Instead, Mr. Jericho, it hangs on your bedroom wall. They don’t have the “grapefruits” to lead the good cheers anymore, and they REALLY have to get off that swing-music fad. Swing is dead! Net: Says who? We’re still swingin’ our little Net bootie for all it’s worth. How about playing something a little more modern? Net: Yeah, let’s go with the current popular music. N’Sync before every faceoff. Free Puffy! They remind me of the dorky guy in high school that was still wearing Zubaz. Net: You got a problem with Zubaz? Mr. Jericho, you’re a twisted little puppy.
Anyway, let me finish by saying to my jerichoholics, study hard, party harder and have a “good” summer.
Net: And now, in the immortal words of Monty Python, for something completely different.
NOT A MARKY MARK?
From Nightcaps: Did anyone else notice President Yudof’s comment from the new softball stadium dedication printed in Tuesday’s Daily? Net: For the last time, what kind of geeks read that threadbare emergency umbrella? He said, “I like it out here. I lack the talent, but I have the eligibility.” Now, I’m no expert Net: Way to stay humble about what “eligibility” entails for the WOMEN’S softball team, but I would assume being female is one qualification. If Yudof’s eligible, then perhaps “he” is not what “he” seems to be. Net: A cherubic-cheeked, chubby little Texan? I’ve never met him in person, but in all the pictures I’ve seen of him there is a striking lack of facial hair — no shadow or stubble whatsoever — more so than your average clean-shaven man. Maybe Yudof, like the much maligned place kicker in “Ace Ventura, Pet Detective,” couldn’t get someone to keep the “laces out” in his past.
Net: So what about it, Mark? We call upon thee to defend thy manhood in the holy hall of Network. And when you do write, could we possibly discuss that pesky little language requirement?
