Life is not as easy as it looks, mister. From the moment you lurch out of bed and drag your carcass out into the “real world” to the moment you stumble back in, you are being tested.
Luckily for you, I am here to help you. In this brief cribsheet, I will walk you through your morning ritual. You are expected to follow these instructions to the letter, preferably without complaint.
If and when you become conscious, you should roll over immediately to relieve the inevitable blood pooling that can lead to bedsores. Note: For safety purposes, I assume you are extremely obese.
Repeat above procedure, as necessary. The lids on your peepers will likely feel swollen shut until the very moment you realize you have missed all your morning engagements. At that point, you will have a sudden burst of energy and will be unable to return to sleep.
Open your peeps. Look around the room. Sit up. Swing those two long flesh-covered sticks over the edge of the bed or rock you are sleeping on.
Apply pressure to those “long’ns” while raising those fat cushions you are sitting on. You will now be taller, and in the so-called “standing” position.
Place one of the long’ns in front of the other. Now the other one. Repeat as necessary, making your way to the room with all the porcelain. If these are flat and circular, you have found the “kitchen” and those are “plates.” Go to the other one, with the puddle of water in it.
Either sitting or standing, whichever is easiest, relax your lap and allow any fluids to drain into the puddle. Don’t worry — It’s not for drinking. Push the lever on the side. Whoooooshh!
Move to the flat metallic object. See that hideous creature in front of you? That’s you! Open those two floppy red things on your face, exposing a big cavern, heretofore referred to as the “word-hole.”
Brush those calcified, white “chompers” inside the word-hole. This will make you more attractive, both orally and olfactorily. In other words, you won’t smell quite so bad.
Spread clogger in your pits, to prevent leakage. Comb the dead protein strands growing from your skull.
Find something to cover yourself! This is not the Garden of Eden. You are expected, at a minimum, to cover your “junk” and, for ladies, those two balloon-type objects on your “upper.”
Go to the kitchen. Get something edible. Note: Plastic and metal are not edible, but everything else is. Cram whatever you found into your word-hole. That will keep you alive for a little while.
If you shoved the objects into those flaps on the side of your head, you have made a mistake, and plugged your sound-tubes. Remove the food, and reinsert elsewhere.
If you have pushed it into your snout, it will also not keep you alive. Once again, you should remove it and put it in the big, round hole — the one you grunt with.
Only in this manner will you be rewarded by a small burst of brain chemicals interpreted as a delicious taste sensation. And only in this way will you avoid a painful death by starvation.
Now you are ready to “Go take on the day,” as Dr. Laura would say. Leave your apartment or cave.
Hopefully this will be a helpful guide to maintaining a normal, healthy morning routine. Good luck out there. It’s a dangerous world.
–Brian Close is a Daily staffer and has an enormous word-hole.
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