Net: Just order the potato skins and we’ll slap them right on our thighs; it’s not like we’re gonna meet Mr./Mrs. Right tonight anyway.
From Nora: Dear All-Knowing and Benevolent Protectors of the Innocence of Youth,
Your chief rival in our Capitol City, the St. Paul Pioneer Press, Net: Home of the stiflingly unfunny Bulletin Board? on Thursday published a scandalous, salacious example of the grossest kind of pornography. Net: Where? Where, you ask? On the comics page, upper right corner — specifically, the MARMADUKE panel. Ordinarily intended for the grade-school set, in this case the lovable (!) Marmaduke is depicted in flagrante dilecto with his owner in the proverbial La-Z-Boy. You can view this shocking display of humanality at:
www.unitedmedia.com/comics/marmaduke/archive/marmaduke-20001109.html
Net: In a world free of copyright laws, we would reproduce said comic, but alas, we can only describe it: Marmaduke is HAVING SEX with his owner on a chair with the caption “Ever think of using the front door?” As opposed to the BACK DOOR, we assume?
Yes, Marmaduke has crossed the line a few times before, including a series of struggles to join his owner in the front seat of their car, Net: Not to mention that brief but bitter affair with Garfield but this time things have gone too far. I expect both you and Dr. Date to join hands Net: According to him, bestiality is a continuum and decry in no uncertain terms this outrageous corruption of the minds of innocent babes. I am so relieved that Caseous has not taken a similar low road to improving its ratings.
From kitten: Dearest Net, I had an experience quite similar to another young lass who wrote in to network not so long ago. Net: The one complaining about our sexual stamina? Oh, wait, we never printed that one Á While on the Campus Connector a nasty male, whom I’ve never met, sat next to me with his legs spread as wide as they would go. I was in such a state of horror and disbelief that I did not discourage him from touching me. Net: It was strangely arousing, wasn’t it? After departing the bus it came to me like a bolt of lightening what his problem was: elephantiasis of the balls. He needed more room than the average male because his balls must be huge and deformed. So ladies, keep that in mind next time a boy is touching you on the bus, he has elephantiasis of the balls and you should look down upon him with sorrow and pity. Net: Unless you’re into that whole ‘big ball’ thing This experience inspired a haiku:
Campus Connector
will the name be no longer
for I have declared
this god forsaken
form of transport: SHUTTLES OF
DEATH FULL OF PRESSED FLESH
Now, I need to ask two questions of you and the collective. a) Why can’t grad students operate slide projectors? Net: They think projectors are just tools of hegemony and of the white man’s domination and b) why was Leather attracted to the Fonz when she was clearly a lesbian? Net: Easy: Fonz was female In an unrelated closing, Dillinger Four can kick any of the lame-ass bands previously mentioned in Network that supposedly “rule” and hockey sucks … HOORAY!
From Curiousgirl: Oh, dear Net .. In an ever-present wave of commercialization and propaganda advertising just about everything and anything under the sun, I was struck by yet another pitiful, yet successful attempt at being an advertising target. Net: Roped in by another one of those ‘free’ porn sites? Let me explain … so, I go out to my car the other day, which happened to be parked in the Huron parking lot. Net: Oooooh! Are we supposed to be impressed, your highness? After a few futile attempts to unlock my doors, which happen to be frozen shut due to the beautiful weather, I find a fine piece of advertising placed ever-so-delicately under my windshield wiper. Net: Are you sure it wasn’t a ticket? This wasn’t the typical “get slimy sex by going to one of the best pickup bars in the Twin Cities” ads (Tropix) No, it was a cry against the norm … a loud cry for the rebellious. What, you may ask I am talking about? 94.1, a self-proclaiming pirate radio station, that is what. How rebellious and original to advertise in such a normal way. But hell, I fell victim to it. While flipping past the N-sync, Britney and Christine music, I thought, “hell, might as well give it a try”… what did I find? Nothing, just the name of the radio station (which happens to be “2000 Flushes”) said over and over. Net: You think they’re gonna play THE MAN’S music? What is this all about? I am asking you, the Network, and the great readers of the Network if anyone knows anything about this. Driving home on 94, I saw signs hung over overpasses and such advertising this piece of crap of “rebellion.” Did I just tune in at a bad time or what? They even have a website but it pretty much said, “Screw the system! We are the youth! We are rebels!” Anyone care to interject some info? Thanks.
From TC4wetmonkey: My fellow phone sex operators and I are sick and tired of this recount b’ness. We have the following proposition. Get a big ol’ vat of wet shloppy Jell-O, throw naked Dubya and naked Al “Big Package” Gore (see Rolling Stone Cover) in there, not down there, in there. Net: Why does every election have to end in Jell-O wrestling? Now we need a referee, we propose Yudof, clad in a tight speedo and swimming cap with goggles. Toss a couple of wet monkeys Net: We would prefer marmots in there to keep the jell-o flyin’. In order to win the keys to the White House and permission to get his kootchie on in the Lincoln bedroom, he must submerge his opponent, Yudof, and one wet monkey at the same time. Then eat the Jell-O for thirty seconds in a sensual sucking motion. We’ll show those bastards in Florida. Net: Indeed
From Hunglikeamule: Hey Net, sorry this isn’t a Haiku (like to read em but not my style, and I’m sure I would be warned for every line). I have noticed a lot of slang terms for genitalia and for sexual acts lately. I think it’s friggin’ hilarious. I ask all Networkians to send their entries for these areas:
1. Genitalia i.e. moisture missle Net: Pant prize!
2. Masturbation i.e. groping the trouser trout Net: Exorcising the sperm demons!
3. Sex i.e. making babies Net: SUPER NO PANTS FUN ACTIVITY GAME THING!
4. Crapping i.e. no idea Net: Dive-bombing the porcelain headquarters!
5. Etc. Net: Et al!
Net maybe you can remind us of some of the greatest from the past few weeks. Net: Nope, that would require work. Just flip through your Network back issue collection at home. We KNOW you all have one Creed blows!
