Net: We knew it would happen. At a research institution, it was inevitable. It never fails; after the creative fancies of heartfelt poetry comes …
LITERARY CRITICISM

… the bane of all true art.
Poetry should be felt, not questioned. Yet, questioned it is. Here’s today’s critic:

From Niaxato Blackstar to VicarinaTutu: I’m curious, Vicar, was that lovely poem of yours yesterday meant to be sung in a crooning voice with a bit of a warble — perhaps a voice which would be likely to say something like “Oh, I am so very depressed?” Would you perhaps be sliding down the banister while singing this? Well, at least someone doesn’t consider you strange.
Net was right when they said your poem was Keatsian — however, you should have definitely made it more like a Wilde-type thing. Net: Turn it into a screenplay. You might get an Oscar. Your text was born to be Wilde. So, are you CLA or IT? Net: Here comes another critic, trying to put you into their favorite type. Are you a romantic? A magical realist? A socialist realist? Or just a human?
You’re an oddity to me. Either you are a well-read CLA type, or you are a well-listened and probably hopelessly depressed IT type who knows music. In either case, however, you definitely have some odd traits. Net: As have many of the greats, we must add. Don’t question genius.
And, on that note, we have …
NEVERMIND

… our continuing discussion of the (proper) lyrics, life and meaning of Kurt Cobain. As we reflect on the significance of this great man, let us remember that there’s a little Kurt in all of us — but its manner of expression is crucial. Read on.

From Molly’s Lips to Ethel Acetate: It was bad enough when some kid in my high school speech class ended a speech about how everyone in the world should come together with, “Contrary to what Kurt Cobain said, all alone is NOT all we are.” Net: We bet that completely drained you. Puke. Then there was you. Obviously you don’t even have any damn Nirvana albums, because Kurt himself determined what was written in the album insert.
I’ll bet you listen to a lot of Bush. Net: We had him pegged as a Republican a mile away. Since when does Kurt make any sense? Net: We don’t know. The whole cardigan revival he inspired seemed like a good idea. Although people can derive some significance from a few selected songs, Kurt himself attested that he wrote most of his songs in a matter of minutes before he recorded them. Net: And the critics will spend years analyzing him. Those who can’t …
Also, since this week does mark the anniversary of Kurt’s death, I have a few tips for all of you leftover wannabe Nirvana lovers. Net: Yes, there are a few lonely souls who remember life before the Spice Girls — some refer to those days as the Dark Ages. Don’t wear Nirvana shirts tucked in and/or in conjunction with a baseball cap. Never, ever wear the oh-so-popular-I’m-a-rebellious-kid-I-love-alternative-music-and-I’m-so-disillusioned shirt with a picture of Kurt and his dates of birth and death. Net: Yeah. That’s so 1995. Even worse are those shirts with Kurt’s death certificate splashed on the front. Yes, I think it’s very cool to glorify a suicide and to ignorantly advertise Kurt even though his stardom was part of his death.
And finally, please don’t try to impress people by loudly singing, “In the clouds, in the clouds, where the sun don’t ever shine…” Net: That makes us shiver the whole night through in the middle of class. Thank you for your time. Net: And thank you, Molly’s Lips, for your helpful tips on proper Kurt remembrance. We were thinking of adding weekly meetings where we’d eat wafers and drink wine in memory of Kurt. “And on the night Courtney betrayed him …” Kind of a catchy idea, dontcha think?

From Ethel Acetate: OK, you busted me about the lyrics. But why should I buy a copy of an album when there are friends who already own it and have tape recorders? (Insert bullshit about copyrights and royalties here.) Net: We would do no such thing. Bootlegging has that DIY. So it wasn’t the kid from Malmo. It was the man himself. Did you even listen to the song? Net: Nope. As the self-appointed guardians of all things Kurt, we have all his words of wisdom committed to memory — including the suicide note. Besides, “aqua seafoam shame” is pronounced quite clearly for any listener who isn’t projecting his own values onto the lyrics.
Next you’ll be trying to convince me that Kurt Cobain was not a complex individual and that he had no disdain for his fans. Net: We would never say that. All we’re saying is that, “all in all is all we are,” and that applies to Kurt and his lyrics, too. Thanks for letting me look at your liner notes. It was informative. Net: No problem.
Wow. Folks have been really polite today. It must be time for …
A WORD OF THANKS
From Blaze: I’m writing to give thanks to three ladies, Amy, Erica and Sue or Michelle (I can’t remember), Net: That must have been some party who were waiting on the eastbound bus stop at Coffman Union Wednesday afternoon. I was ollieing down the stairs and slammed pretty hard, throwing my skateboard into the path of an oncoming motorist. The board was spared, but my body was not. Amy & Co. were the only ones on the scene who seemed to care that I had just flirted with death, and they hooked me up with Band-Aids and pretty smiles. I don’t think I got to thank them for their kindness (or give everyone else who didn’t seem to care the finger), so I’d appreciate it if you’d print this for me.
Also, to the people who give me and the crew dirty looks on the mall, we’re just having fun, and no one likes a player hater, so let us do our thing and we’ll let you do yours.
Thanks, and remember, ain’t no limit!! Net: Here here! And whether you ollie or ride the trollie, keep chasin’ the wind. Rock out, y’all!