Net: Three days into the week and not a single letter about HOCKEY? You heathens do, in fact, realize that the season opener is this weekend, don’t you? In great honor of this fact, all letters that we print on Friday must contain the word ‘HOCKEY’ at least three times. So, start composing your odes to goaltending, fighting, sneaking booze into Mariucci, hockey cheerleaders *shudder*, hot dogs, and gleefully swearing along with the hockey band.
Extra Net points for Haiku and iambic pentameter, although prose is perfectly acceptable.
AKEMYCASH … PLEASE!
From oneofthebsc: Word Net, I’m a Network virgin Net: Just relax, it gets better, we promise so I kinda feel like a freshman girl at a frat party writing to you. Net: It’s OK, baby. You want to go someplace a little quieter? You wanna go to our room? We have something we want to show you Á Are you in the mood for some knocking-of-the-boots? So I’m gonna speak my piece before you can slip something in my drink. Now I know the University has a group of architects which overlooks the construction that occurs at the U, their office is in the donhoe building if you want to know, but what are they getting paid to do? I mean I could, being an architecture student, approve designs which scar our fair landscape and require lifetimes to complete Net: And go exponentially over budget. Net, I think even you could do that. Net: See figure ##1 — Future Network Headquarters — Hopefully we can get the fees committee to pay for it. Our preliminary estimate (found by using Legos and Lincoln Logs) is approximatly $16 And not only are we, the students, getting bent over with the growing student fees needed to finance atrocities like the Coffman project, but most of us (excluding those eighth-year seniors) won’t even be around to see the completion. If my money is going to fund a piece of crap, I’d better be able to at least get my use out of it. I really feel sorry for all those poor commuter students. Where are they supposed to sleep now? Net: The doorways in Stadium Villiage, of course! Our personal favorite post-bar hangout I guess they could go to the library. Oh wait, we don’t even have a library on the East Bank Net: Whoever spends any time there? anymore! Why? Because it too has been under construction for decades! So in closing, Mr. Yudof, Board of Regents, and advising architects, I’m glad to see money is being put into the U to make it a good school, but why cripple it by blowing everything up at once? My man biggie smalls ‘n dem say, netty netty netty can’t you see, sometimes your words just hypnotize me … Net: BIORATCH
BUM’S DELIGHT
From DirkDiggler: Hey Net, I’m writing in, not to complain about Carlson, but just to ask you, “What is with the bums on campus this year?” It has already been five weeks, and I still haven’t seen my favorite bum, HARMONICA MAN! I think the guy giving away free rides on his purple bike took over his hood. And what is with OLD-BLACK-BEARDED-GUY anyways? He needs to start doing more for the University. I don’t care if OLD-BLACK-BEARDED-GUY starts singing showtunes, dancing in between classes, or even chasing the goddamn squirrels and beating them down with the Daily, he needs to start doing more for the University before PURPLE-BIKE-MAN starts making him look bad. I really don’t like PURPLE-BIKE-MAN that much, but at least he’s doing the University a favor. Net, did you have a favorite bum? Net: We know them all, in the biblical sense
HATEMAIL
From Lord Blacklung: To Enrique the Toad and the rest of the Carlson candyasses: Oh, stop trying to pretend you’re better than the rest of us. I’m a student worker on West Bank, and I know better than anyone does the frowns and evil glares when I’m trying to do my work in the building. You don’t like anyone who actually works for a living — anyone that isn’t still sucking money from mommy and daddy’s wallet and bank account. What are you going to school for? Instead of sucking money outta your parents accounts, you’ll instead steal and pillage it from the hard-working, respectable masses. Net: You mean Carlson is a pirate school? YAR! Avast thou, off the port bow, yar! We dig pillaging Hell, even the Law School students smile at the workers as we clean and take care of their building. Net: Probably because they’ve got less money than you Not that I blame you … Carlson is falling apart. Water leaking in, infestations, UDS … just not a good place to be. Must have been designed by a business major. You don’t see that problem with any of the newer IT buildings, do ya? Net: They certainly name them well (i.e. the Science Classroom Building)
From BankyEdwards: To Batteriesnotrequired, you are a fool. Net: Not even gonna compliment the Net first? 52 weeks in the top ten doth not a good artist make. All those shitty boy bands have spent just as long as Creed in the top ten. Anyone who uses that argument is a complete wanker who listens to whatever the record company wants them to. Net: Typically at gunpoint Being in the top ten means that a bunch of mindless automatons, such as yourself, have been duped into listening to NUTTY music by NUTTY acts, most of whom do not write their own music (there’s a sign of real talent). Creed blows hard NUT. So does every other band in the top ten. I believe it was P.T. Barnum who said, “No one ever went broke by underestimating the taste of the American Public.” Net: Words we live by You and your kind are proving him right. What’s even sadder is that you and your lame-ass friend drove to Woodstock and, more pathetically, Indiana (where there is nothing else to do but see Creed) to see your God-band. What’s this life for? Apparently in your case, it’s for being lame. Go back to junior high.
Net: *sigh* OK, ALL BANDS SUCK. YES, EVEN THAT BAND YOU ARE THINKING OF THAT YOU THINK DOES NOT SUCK, ACTUALLY SUCKS.
