In the words of Anna Nicole Smith – God bless her silicone soul – “Don’t bullsh!t a bullsh!tter.” So I’m going to immediately get down to business and tell you who should continue reading. If the words Lanvin, liquor or LiLo mean anything to you, absolutely follow my every move. If the following is part of your vocabulary, stop reading: green, Gore and Gophers.
I think you’re going to find a little something different here with this column. Those grubby-hippie and snotty-jock topics are better left for the editorial section of the paper. Here, we’re trying something new. I knew I was the perfect candidate, and here’s why.
First of all, I’m sexy. That means I care about my appearance, worship fashion magazines (and will work at one someday) and don’t shop strictly at Goodwills and Ragstocks. I’m not sporting a perma-tan, I wear clothes that fit and I’m definitely not one of those Teletubbies that roams around Sally’s every Wednesday night. To help you all find your sexy, look here for style and trend tips. This means I’ll highlight anything from the chicest fall and spring trends in accessories, to what drink you should be ordering out on the town, and let me tell ya, it isn’t a Blue Moon or a Long Island.
Second, I’m real. I don’t hail from any bubbling metro area, but I’ve pulled myself up by my own Puma laces and know what flies and what doesn’t. In fact, you could call me a child of the corn, and let’s just say when the area FFA kids inundate the St. Paul campus every spring, I take cover, even if it is in the damn horse barn (Flicka, anyone?). It was that type of kid that led me here and made me as fabulous as I am today. Should we thank them, then? Hells NO! Redesign those cheapy blue corduroy jackets, and then we can talk.
Helping you find your reality is a goal of mine as well. To execute this, look for pop culture and entertainment advice. You still think Wino is making her tour stop in the TC? Think again.
And lastly, I’m confident. I’m a senior, so first-years, take a good look: Taste, style and grace don’t happen overnight. Oprah said it best – “They’re learned” – which is precisely why I’m here to help you learn your taste and grace. Of course, these are all very individualistic personality traits. But one quick survey of the Washington Avenue Bridge reveals too much consistency. Lose the Crocs shoes, the bug-eyed sunglasses and – holy Hilton sisters! – the fake Coach bags. Betch, please. It’s bad enough you’re carrying Coach, but honestly, a fake one?
Don’t think I’ve learned the “sexy-real-confident” trifecta overnight, either. In fact, it’s an affirmation I write on my bathroom mirror in Chanel Vamp lipstick every week; my roomie can confirm it since it is she who wipes it off on Fridays if the shower dew hasn’t handled the job already. This leaves me the weekend to find myself again and Monday to realize we’re back at square one. Bring on Chanel!
The point is to show I’m not perfect and neither are you. But I have distinct preferences and demands. I once heard someone say that there are no “style-dense” places in the Twin Cities. I think that’s a pompous cop-out to not finding your own style.
A life in style is worth more pennies than any lottery or Mystic Lake slot machine could ever award you. So go ahead, take a chance and do the work. It’s my job to help you along the way.
Stay tuned, because I’m awesome, and you should be too.
