From Ima Kissass: I’ve just started reading Network, and I’m hooked. I’ve collected any old newspapers in my room and read them all. Net: Some people collect Playboys. Some collect old Archie & Jughead comics. And, yes, some collect Network — just in case there’s a dead fish sitting around waiting to be wrapped. I know a friend who only reads Network. I just want to say thank you for including Network in the paper because, frankly, I think the rest of the Daily sucks. I don’t care how the Gophers did or if the stocks are up. Net: Well, then. Thank you for that impromptu reader feedback. We’ll get around to eliminating Sports and Business forthwith. I want entertainment and something to lighten up my college days. Come to think of it, maybe the Net: thing would help ….
Anyway, on a completely different topic: I was thinking the other day (as I consumed yet another bowl of cereal to save myself from the horrors of campus food), what if they made a cereal for any time of the day and put in vegetables or meat or something? Would anyone eat it? Net: Yes, and they would call it soup. But that’s just a pipe dream.
MIN-NE-SO-TA, HATS OFF TO ‘WIE
From Yngwie: I have noticed that many people writing in to Network are ranting and raving about such nonsense as the “Rouser” and the waste of sperm known as our football team. Net: Something tells us you haven’t quite bought into the “Angry Gopher” campaign quite yet. Be aware, lest the groundswell overtake your decrepit soul! I know it’s a lot easier to spend a morning getting drunk and eating brats than it is to have a real life Net: A wee bit of wisdom in an ignorant world, but keep it to yourself. Those of us with sense don’t give a flying fornication about young boys tightly swaddled in maroon and gold, pawing each other delicately on the gridiron. Net: Actually, that used to be the problem with the Gophers; they pawed too delicately. Now they seem to understand that holding on is not always a bad thing. Oh, so you say I have no school spirit? You got that right. When I find a university where 21-year-old students can find the subject of the sentence, “I saw a dog,” I will be proud to attend that institution. Net: OK, we admit it. We had to look it up. But we can now say we are better off for having done so and can attest to the fact that the subject in said sentence is, indeed, “A.” Go forth, 21-year-olds, and reap the rewards of knowledge! But for now, I am disgusted.
A final note to all you smart people out there: Your diploma is indistinguishable from the diplomas of these f&@kups. Doesn’t that make you want to pee your pants? It’s time to begin the slaughter. We’ll start with General College and go from there. Net: We believe there’s already an academic cleansing WE’LL TAKE THE PARKING
program in place. It’s called “tuition increase.”
From SerenityNow: Oh, glorious Network. So many days have I turned to your insightful views and insidious wit in an attempt to recapture my sanity at this so-called institution of “higher learning.” Net: This … how do you say? … “higher learning” concept intrigues us. Pray tell, we must know more. Now, however, I turn to you for a different reason — to be the voice that sounds out my cry against the ever-spreading slab of concrete that shall be called the “West Bank Movement.” Yes, the West Bank, that vast slab of concrete across the river and home of the un-sciences Net: And also the home to Norwood, Master of The Dramatic Pause, Purveyor of All Things Cinema, and He Who Wears Much Black. Bow down and pay homage to his awful power, has completely devoured the East Bank and is now infecting the last sanctuary of peace and beauty at the University — the St. Paul campus. Net: Sure, if you’re open to exploring the untold beauty of pig barns. Today, as I walked through the lawn behind Magrath Library, where I so often basked in the sun with my precious Daily, Net: No doubt finding yet another way to take full advantage of the Daily, as so many others do: A stack of 20 papers make a nice pillow. I was struck by the disappearance of a beautiful row of pine trees that once enclosed my peaceful study. In their place, the expansion of a parking lot was underway. I am not some tree-hugging freak Net: That much is clear. The tree-hugging freaks would have been sleeping in the trees, but I am not going to sit quietly and watch the desecration of a beautiful campus. Net: It’s not too often the phrase “beautiful campus” appears in a Network entry. Consider yourselves lucky, gentle readers, for you have paid witness to history. Join me in my cause, or else prepare to watch the West Bank
NO-HITTER
Movement destroy everything that is good and beautiful at this University.
From Dictionary Girl: Hello, Network, I am most grateful for my very first entry being published in the all-powerful Daily. Net: The Daily’s true power lies in its ability to absorb drool. Oh, Network, will your rapier wit, which is as sharp as tacks, ever cease? Anyway, my complaint is this:
What is up with guys who think that they are so hot? Net: And what is with the girls who knock guys down so they can feel better about themselves? Pardon our bitterness. Just because a girl talks to them or even gives them a mere glance, they automatically think, “Well, that girl must have a crush on me!” I hate it … I loathe it … I, in fact, detest that just because I am nice to a guy and don’t spit in his face, he automatically thinks that I have an altar in my room dedicated to worshipping him. Net: We wonder if Jesus had this problem after that whole sermon-on-the-mount thing. Well guys, if you read this — and I know one in particular who reads Network on a daily basis Net: Perhaps this is the friend to whom Kissass referred so eloquently a few short paragraphs before — the VERY thick line between making conversation with someone of the opposite sex and being in love with them is defined. So guys, if you know of a girl who you think might have a crush on you, make sure that your signals are not being mixed up. For example, if a girl says, “Hi, what’s up,” don’t think it means “Take me, I’m yours.” Net: Tip No. 7 in Net’s “The College Man’s Guide to Love, Lust and Lechery”: When a girl acknowledges your presence, shoot her a look of fear and make off post-haste. She’ll think she’s having a bad hair day.