PROBLEM SOLVING
From Brain of Eddie: Dearest Network, Net: Now that’s the respect we deserve. in my ample thinking time this summer, I have figured out the solution to many pressing world problems. Net: Hmmm … well, all you need now is a few million dollars, down-home good looks and cunning spin doctors who can make you look good in the polls. Then maybe you can put these ideas to work as our next president! Among these are famine, drought, plague and teeny-bopper bands. Net: All of these problems would be erased if MTV were gone. But, my proudest moment was when I, Brain of Eddie, single-handedly solved the problems of overpopulation AND suicide among the elderly. Net: A University mind hard at work, no doubt. The answer … “The Golden Girls.” Net: Using television as a way to pacify the public. How novel! That’s right, late-night hotel television has helped me solve the problem of rampant human population growth. Net: Ironically, the human population expands because of late nights in hotels or motels or Holiday Inns … If every channel were required to show one episode of “The Golden Girls” per night, around 9:30, the thought of old wrinkly Blanche would be enough to kill the sex drive of any man. Net: Well, if your mate looks and acts like her, it might. In addition, Viagra coupled with this ritual half-hour of geriatric sex should help perk up the old people out there and help increase the amount of nonreproductive sex on this overcrowded earth. Net: Yes, yes, Network proudly supports more older people having sex. Young people have proved they’re way too dumb to be doing it, anyway.
BACK TO THE PACK
From 12packofMillerLite: Why, hello there, Net: hi. hi. and what have you been doing with your summer vacation? Net: We went up in an airplane! I saw clouds and little ants that were really cars; then we came back down and got little wings to wear. What do you think we’ve been doing — WORKING, you fool! I know what I have been doing — drinking. Net: Imagine that. Let it be known to the masses that the 6packer is back and jumped off the wagon. I decided 2 weeks ago I should stop drinking for awhile. Well, you know what I found out? Net: What did you find out? You realized how much money you were spending on alcohol? How much of your life you were throwing away? How you were avoiding your loved ones because of it, and how much healthier you felt without drinking? It sucks. Net: Works for us. Life is much more boring when you deal with the true reality. Net: Especially on this campus, where any place that has anything to do closes at 8 p.m. And remember Big 10 still has $1.50 pitchers on Tuesday nights. Net: Yeah, but who wants to drink pigs’ blood? On a completely different note, what the hell is with People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals? Are those guys just idiots or inbreed? They sent a letter to my beloved Green Bay Packers and send that their name should be changed. Net: Maybe an idiot or an “inbreed” can make sense out of that last sentence. They said the Packers logo brought back the images of meat packing and killing poor little cows for food. Net: And the logo also strikes fear in the heart of teenage girls now that they let Chmura go free. Grow up and take on real f**king problems, like not enough vacation days and too long work hours for dairy cows.
STEALIN’ PEOPLES MAIL
From Biznitch: Here’s a somewhat interesting e-mail I found at a computer I use at work. It was addressed to a former employee, and he didn’t bother to delete it, so I’m passing it on to y’all. Net: Get ready for something that rivals a daytime talk show.
hello honey,
i was so f**king drunk last night that it was not even close to cool. Net: “Cool” officially ends after 17 shots. It then becomes “Death.” i am trying to study for my exam tomorrow and just procrastinating my ass off so i thought i’d write and say hello. i starting making out with joe at the bar last night! what? who am i? Net: Hopefully not Net’s lover. i am so against PDA that i can’t believe i did it. we were both just so drunk that we couldn’t stand anymore and we kinda just fell into this wall together and started malling. Net: Malling? Has anyone heard this before? i hope to god no one saw us but i am sure they did. Net: They always do. i was so going to give him a beat down last night but when i went back to his house we were so drunk that we passed out in like 10 seconds. Net: Just enough time for the cat to get out of the way. oh well, there is always tonight. who is your woman? did you tap that ass this weekend or what? Net: This question becomes more interesting when you get to the end of this letter. Let’s skip to the end … well, i really must study now but i can’t wait to see you so call me right when you get into town. are we still getting married or do you like the other woman more than me? i was just wondering — so let me know. Net: Why plan a marriage when you can just play it by ear? Yeah, just drop me a line sometime if you decide you want to spend the rest of your life with me… have a good day!
love, your fiance Net: A fiance of sorts, we guess.
ASSISTANCE APPLICATION
From WeeShite: O, Network, never before have I dared write to you. Net: Your mother must be proud. But now I must. I have something to say: I have secretly coveted Phlegm of Discontent for many months now. Net: How cute, a Network connection! His/her verbose and peculiar entries never cease to amuse me; I wish with all my heart s/he would write more. I would like to possess him/her. Net: Remember wee one, to love is not to possess, but to set one free. That said, I would like to apply for the position of Velocity Boy. However, if Phlegm wishes to avoid a lawsuit, it better be Velocity Girl. But I have many varied and useful (ever so!) talents and characteristics: I can touch my nose with my tongue. Net: Our cat can do that. Our cat can also touch it’s tongue to other parts of its anatomy. I know how to say “to toss one’s cookies” in Spanish. Net: This is a sham; they have no cookies in Spain. Steven Tyler from Aerosmith stepped on my foot once. Net: Net has been waiting for years for any small amount of provocation, such as the aforementioned incident, to pay back Steven Tyler for his music.