From Nasty McShasty: What up, G. Net: Just givin’ props to our “peeps,” yo. Hey, did everyone see the lady that found the winter medallion thing on the front page on Wednesday’s Daily? Net: We didn’t. The front cover of the Daily is just a protective cover for Net and the sports section (in case you drop it in the street). Well, for those of you who didn’t, the winter carnival medallion Net: This guy got into a Big Ten university. (that I didn’t even know existed) was found underneath the ass-end of the big moose statue outside the Bell Museum, and the woman who found it is shown proudly displaying her lovely thing. Net: Hmm … sounds suspiciously like porn. Showing her “thing,” on the front of the Daily. Maybe the news section is trying to up its readership. Well, on Tuesday, I was walking past her right before she found it, but I thought she was up to something else. Being the Nasty-ass that I am, I have noticed a huge nut-bag on this moose like none other I have ever seen. So when I saw this lady on her hands and knees, I was pretty sure she was about to engage in some oral with a statue of a moose. Net: Oral what? Dental floss? We don’t follow. So whatever she said in the article, don’t Net: Oh, wait, noooowww we get it. believe her. I am pretty sure it was just a coincidence that she found the medallion while playing with the moose sack. It is big, and if I were a woman, I wouldn’t blame her. Well, that is all I have for today. This is Nasty McShasty, signing off. P.S.: I noticed that when we send our entry, it also says to include our phone number. Why is this? Net: It’s tough to be omnipotent without everybody’s phone number. My number is 1-900-PIG-DONG, if anyone is interested.
From Billie Joe: So I’m sitting in lecture on Wednesday, rolling a freshly plucked booger between my thumb and forefinger when I notice something disturbing Net: Gary Coleman and an [expletive deleted]? — it seems yet again some Badgers fan has spread his flabby cheeks and graced Network with a stream of cheese-laden diarrhea. Net: Speakin’ of diarrhea, we gotta go drop the kids off at the pool. Back in a sec. Yes, Alexander Bernet spewed some faux verdorkim into the lives of Networkians everywhere. I agree, however, that The Onion is a very funny newspaper — the first time you read it. It then becomes less amusing with each subsequent reading — it might as well be called the Be-Sharps, aha, aha …. aaaaahh. Net: Note to self: Don’t eat at Chipotle before writing Net. So, what’d we miss? Oh, more Badger insults. We gotta cut down on those, too … But Wisconsinites tend to turn to The Onion as a source of state pride whenever the Packers miss the playoffs and dairy prices go down. Net: Vikings lose in playoffs, liquor prices go up. So to Alexander Bernet, I’d like to see you sometime and introduce your ape-like forehead to the business end of a rolled-up Minnesota Daily. Net: Nobody reads that page, anyway. And to my fellow Networkians, I would advise you to take a page from Bernet’s book and not form an opinion on this letter until The New York Times and Washington Post have thoroughly endorsed it. Smell ya later. Net: How many Simpsons references were there in that letter? Let us know the exact count and you’ll get … whoops, last time we said that, we got deluged with mail about …
From Bobble: Hail thee mighty Network. Normally I enjoy reading your constant wit and entertaining comments, but one recent one has been bothering me. In the Feb. 8 issue, you commented on the song ‘Rock the Casbah,’ and I quote; “Five bucks to the first person who can explain the lyrics of that song to us.” Now, I was a poli sci major, Net: Denote the past tense. Current major: unemployed. so I never learned to write. However, my handy thesaurus on my computer suggests the following items for the word ‘explain’: give explanation, make clear, describe, etc. It does not suggest ‘translate.’ Net: No, it does not, but as the official governing body of The Minnesota Daily, we reserve the right to change our mind (and the past) at will. Since that issue, you have ripped no less than two submitters for the lack of understanding of what you meant. I would like to suggest that your comment was not as clear as it should have been, and somewhere deep down inside of me I hope you were inundated with submissions of crazy people’s interpretations of the song. Net: Wishing evil on Net? A pox on your village! Or something. But since I am a forgiving soul, here are the lyrics you requested; Net: Don’t squint too hard, and the check is most definitely not in the mail.
From ECM: Imagine, if you will, a lonesome guitar, abandoned, left for dead on the side of the road … ah, screw the setup. Net: Great day in the mornin’. Someone wrote in to Net without a long lead (or lede, if you will) or saying, ‘Hi’ to Net. Bless you sir. Bless you. I found a guitar on the corner of 5th and 22nd on the West Bank near the dance building at about 8:45 p.m. Wednesday. Although no name is present, there are several stickers: 93.7, 770 RadioK (there’s a paradox), Deep Elm Records, Fender, and more. If it’s yours, go claim it at the Monitor Station in Ferguson Hall (##44 in the Music Building), and next time don’t drive off without it …
Net: Have a merry weekend, and try not to do anything we’d do (the man’s always comin’ down on us). Yo, yo.