We reporters over at the Daily Beat (or whatever) understand that it’s hard being a girl, especially a celebrity girl. It’s funny to think that even though I’ve interviewed Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera amongst countless others, this may be my biggest interview ever. Maybe the biggest interview ever.
While their fathers’ reputations have propelled them to the level of superstardom, their own particular brand of style and grace have propelled them into our hearts.
On the one hand we have the beautifully innocent Jenna Bush, and on the other hand, a red hot firecracker in Sarah Gore.
RHT — Greetings Jenna, how are you today?
JB — A big Texas hello to you, from me, the first daughter.
RHT — Tell me something, how old are you? what’s it like to be the first daughter elect of the whole USA?
JB — Uncle Cheney says I’m 18 and barely legal, and it’s better than a whole sack of Texas jumping beans, and a whole lot of friends in the CIA.
RHT — Well, I was watching the news yesterday, and someone was saying that your father stole the election and that he was a coward.
JB — That’s just not true. What people like that wicked little James Carville don’t understand is that sometime the brave thing to do is let justice be served in due time.
RHT — By letting judges and lawyers decide a Democratic election?
JB — My dad always says, sometimes when you lay low like the banana slug you get to infest the whole garden, but only if you avoid the beer.
RHT — I don’t mean to be impolite, but what in the world do you mean?
JB — You know, sometimes I don’t know what my Daddy’s talking about either. Like that beer thing, he isn’t able to really avoid that very well and look what he accomplished! One time I found a bible in his study with the pages hollowed out, and I found two beers and a picture of Oliver North inside.
RHT — No, as disturbing as that is, I wanted to know what he meant by that whole Slug/Beer thing?
JB — Oh that, I guess it’s kinda like that thing with the Alamo.
RHT — The Alamo?
JB — Well there’s an old family story about how the Bush family became the kings of Texas. When Walker Prescott Bush — that’s who grandpa’s daddy was named after, well, when he saw all those Mexicans a-coming, why he turned tail and ran the hell out of there. He didn’t get killed like all the other so-called heroes, and he vowed to destroy the lives of Mexicans forever, making sure to exact a horrible revenge on their children’s children.
RHT — That is the most repulsive thing I’ve ever heard
JB — See, the slug got the garden, and through a big parasite called NAFTA they even pick all the vegetables.
RHT — What a sordid history. What do you think of your Dad’s sordid history?
JB — Daddy used to be so funny in a time called the 70’s. He wore colorful shirts, dark glasses, and the cutest little spoon around his neck.
RHT — A spoon? Interesting.
JB — And daddy said he would keep getting sick from getting snowed in all the time, I guess Texas was a lot colder back then.
RHT — What do you think about the drunk driving?
JB — Oh, Dad doesn’t like to talk about that, but Grandpa says that drunk driving was different in those days. He says that cars were so big that an accident was like a civil war in Central America — It’s far away from you and when you receive the benefits and insurance “substances”, its almost a godsend.
RHT — What do you think living in the White House will be like?
JB — Daddy told me that once he was president, the whole country would change, and that some sort of final solution would make the country for decent god-fearin’ Americans again.
RHT — Wow, that’s incredible. What’s you favorite makeup, song and food?
JB — Max Factor, Hebrew national franks, and “The Shape of Your Heart” by the Backstreet boys.
RHT — Anything else?
JB — Bethington Preparatory School Football Rules!
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Sarah Gore
RHT — Salutations and greetings Sarah
SG — Who are you? Are you one of those Supreme Court S.O.B.’s?
RHT — No, I’m a celebrity reporter from the (Daily Beat) in Minneapolis.
SG — Where…What?! Why is your backwater paper calling me?
RHT — Hey, people soon to be moving to glass houses in Tennessee shouldn’t throw stones.
SG — My father is Vice President, I could have you and your family liquidated like kids in Iraq
RHT — Easy Sarah, easy. I just wanted to ask you some questions about your life and the outcome of the election.
SG — Election! What election?
RHT — The presidential election silly goose, your dad’s bid for the presidency.
SG — Yeah, so what?
RHT — Well doesn’t any of it concern you?
SG — Well, father always told me that elections don’t mean anything, especially if you ignore the outcome.
RHT — Come again?
SG — Get it through your thick head, the Gore family isn’t going anywhere. My dad had big big plans for the country.
RHT — Please tell..
SG — He knows that Americans don’t care; that we have no common experiences to bind us together. So he’s developed and urban renewal plan that shoud keep him in power for decades.
RHT — Captivating.Go on.
SG — Each city will have a wonderfully ferocious pack of creatures released in the center of it every July fourth. New York gets wolverines, DC gets ravenous timberwolves, Atlanta gets locusts and Minneapolis would be overrun by a pack of wild dingos.
RHT — Dingos! I just can’t see…
SG — Maybe if you listened occasionally you’d understand the genius. Now these dingos would roam about, causing terror, grabbing babies, killing off the weak and sick.
RHT — I just don’t see what that would accomplish.
SG — Big surprise. Some gin-soaked half-wit writer can’t understand the vision of Al Gore. Instead of worrying about decreasing consumer power or education, people would have to deal with the daily terror of a pack animal tearing them apart. They’ll forget all their petty problems.
RHT — Sounds like Daddy is going off the deep end.
SG — Imagine fighting dingos side by side with friends and family; imagine the bonding possibilities. The animals will rotate on a yearly basis — this years dingos are next year’s birds of prey.
RHT — Kind of like the vultures circling over the White House right now?
SG — Funny. Very Funny.
RHT — Do you honestly believe that your father can overcome the finality of the Supreme Court ruling and seize the presidency?
SG — History has proven that stranger things have happened. Johnson killed Castro, Reagan sterilized the Ayatollah and my grandfather overcame the rape allegations of that filthy bugger Gore Vidal
RHT — Pardon me, but Castro is still alive, and the idea of those rape allegations is in my opinion, ridiculous.
SG — Now who is being naive? What paper did you say this was for?
RHT — Sarah, have you been drinking?
SG — Well off the record, maybe just a little. The family’s been under a lot of stress lately.
RHT — How’s the rest of the family coping?
SG — My older sisters do twice as many crossword puzzles, my mother listens to Paul Simon and my dad eats these funny looking pills. They’ve really improved his attitude.
RHT — Improved?
SG — Well at least it stops him from chewing on these odd little bits of paper all the time — the election has been stressful on dad.
RHT — Favorite makeup, book and song right now?
SG — Estee Lauder, The Trial of Socrates and either “Tramp the Dirt Down” by Elvis Costello or “Broken Home” by Papa Roach.
RHT — Anything else?
SG — Well since this is strictly off the record, everyone should place their Superbowl bets early this year, because the Gore’s ain’t going out without a fight.
RHT — Excuse me?
SG — We’re pursuing military options and nuclear contingencies with David Boies and our other attorneys right now.
RHT — Terrible. Just terrible. Is that all?
SG — Big UP to Jesse Jackson, Paul Wellstone, and Clem Haskins.