From March on to Victory: Dear almighty Network, as I am entering my junior year here at the Univerisity, I am finding a revitalized fall spirit. Net: We have been revitalized by spirits in the fall, but that’s another story for another time. The crisp air and great Alpha Male articles in the Daily must have inspired me to once again ATTEMPT to take pride in this potentially great University.
But, of course, just as I spent my $60 on a new Gophers hat and sweatshirt, this University has decided to spit in my face once again. Net: Hawk, ptooey! Because of this brilliant semester conversion idea, I’ve been forced to take a couple of these half-semester supplementary course things. Well, whoever made up this brilliant new calendar — we’ll just refer to them as Mr. Einstein for now Net: That Einstein chap was full of ideas. First he came up with the whole time-travel thing, then the bomb and now he contrives petty student annoyances! — decided to put the finals for these courses on the week of Oct. 23 through 30.
That week ring a bell for any one else? Net: Sure, that’s the week we all dress up in togas and drink ourselves into oblivion. For those of you who might be reading this during an early morning physics lecture, that’s Homecoming week. Net: You call it what you like. We’ll be the drunk ones in the corner.
But wait, it gets better. My exam of course falling on Saturday, I requested to take the exam at an earlier date. I was then informed that my plea of “campus involvement” wasn’t sufficient. Net: “No, man … you don’t understand. It’s Homecoming. I’m gonna be totally … involved … in campus … events!” The exam was scheduled perfectly to force me to miss not only the parade — which I was hoping to be in, not just watch — but the game as well. Net: Don’t bother. Net’s football brain wizards predict Purdue will whip Minnesota 49-21. Take it to the bank. After being rejected by the head of the department for the class, as well as the head of the campus involvement center, I was about to throw in the towel. So I turn to you, Network — help me bring this Nazi-esque system to its knees. Or maybe I should just change my screen name to “HAIL TO THE BIKE LIKE THE WIND
VICTORS!!!” Net: That’s got a nice ring to it.
From Screech: I am a firm believer that bicycles are vehicles and have as much right as anyone on city streets. Net: Likewise, Net believes that lightpoles have as much right to love and affection as do puppies and small children. So go ahead and give a lightpole a big hug. Having said that, I was wondering what section of the transitway Scared Cyclist was riding on. Net: Our guess: The one on which the most scurrilous, scurvy-ridden bus drivers lurk, just waiting to pounce on their unsuspecting, two-wheeled prey.
Scared, last I checked there was a special two-lane bike path installed from the east end of the Huron Boulevard parking lots to the stoplight at Energy Park Drive to keep bicyclists out of the way of the buses. And if my memory serves me correctly, bicycles are not allowed on the transitway east of that stoplight.
Since those two sections make up 90 percent of the transitway, chances are that you were riding along one of those. If so, then the buses had right-of-way, and you should get a ticket for illegally riding/driving on a prohibited street. Net: Well, excuse him. Why don’t you go out there and make a citizen’s arrest?
While I appreciate your concern for your safety and the safety of other bicycle riders, I’d be more appreciative if you’d learn where you should and shouldn’t be riding. Net: This public service announcement was brought to you by someone who got a 1600 on SO FEW BUTTONS, SO LITTLE TIME
their SATs and aced their driver’s test. Oh, and they’re also socially constipated.
From CHEESE SAUCE DAMNIT: Dear Network, I am sick of the incompetent people who work at Papa John’s. Net: Never look a gift horse in the mouth, and never bad-mouth the gift of pizza. Or something like that. This is a shame, since I love their breadsticks and could really go for some right now. I called them up and ordered breadsticks, but I wanted three cheese sauces instead of the garlic sauce and pizza sauce. This moron of a woman Net: Who’s the moron? That garlic funk is liquid goodness. told me that she has to CHARGE 30 CENTS FOR EVERY SUBSTITUTION. What a crock of s##!t. I asked her why on earth she had to charge me, since they all cost the same amount and I would end up getting the same amount of sauce after the substitutions. She said that the cash register doesn’t have enough buttons to say “no pizza sauce, extra cheese sauce” and “no garlic sauce, extra cheese sauce” and that she would have to just punch in extra cheese sauce twice. Net: Sometimes there just aren’t enough buttons to make life work. Give me a break! Is it that hard to just LOVE CONNECTION
write it down? So to the lady I talked to: You are a fool, and I am never coming back to your restaurant. Net: Until the breadstick craving again consumes your soul, of course.
From The Boy in the EE Bubble: Friday afternoon, I opened up the Daily to the great Network section and was shocked. How dare you claim that my electrical engineering peers and I have no social life! The reason I was opening the paper so late was because I was out partying on Thursday night. The night was so wild that a great-looking girl, Stephanie, whom I had just met that night, sat down on my lap and talked with me. Net: Lettus guess … really deep conversation, like, “So, do you have any STDs?” After being asked numerous times if she could dance for me, I finally gave in, and we went over to a chair, and she took off her top and danced all over me.
Hmm … but then afterwards, I had to pay her, so maybe she was more interested in my money than me. Net: Think?
Does this mean that Net is right, and I truly don’t have a social life? Net: Umm … yes. Maybe I should get together with Phlegm of Discontent and volunteer to be the guinea pig of new untested surgical techniques. Well, if nothing else, I’ll end up rich and able to go and see girls like Stephanie every night. Net: Perhaps, and all the CLA majors will be camping outside of Moos Tower.
I might not have a social life now but will someday be able to buy one. Net: The American Dream, ladies and gentlemen.