THE SKY IS FALLING
From Porno: Dear Net, I don’t know who you are, and I don’t care, but I do have a request. Net: After those sweet nothings, how can we resist? Instead of wading through all the s##!tty letters you keep getting, why don’t you do the whole campus a favor and kill that idiot weatherman Elmo. Net: The time of reckoning approaches. Elmo soon will be our bee-yatch. If the disgusting anecdotes weren’t enough, he’s never accurate. Net: Perhaps he should just stop listening to that half-wit “National Weather Service” thing. Really, what the hell do they know? He’s teased us with talk of spring for weeks now. Whenever I see his prediction of 70 and sunny, I grab a winter coat and a flask of whiskey to keep me warm. Net: We strip naked and bathe in smelling salts. What’s your point? Oh, and when you dispose of the body, dump it in Dr. Date’s front yard as an example of what happens to wussy columns. Net: Yeah … they go to Wisconsin …
RUN FOR THE BORDER
From Stuck in the Genetic Wasteland: Hi, Net: Yar? I just wanted to point out how ridiculously stupid the Minnesota/Wisconsin “border battle” was. Net: We didn’t realize such a battle was raging. You must have fallen asleep during that whole who-was-Rolla–friskin’-a-random-in-the-bathtub thing, huh? First, to compare states, of course Wisconsin is the better state. Does anyone drive over here to get booze on Sundays? Net: Minnesotans are clever enough to think ahead. Wisconsin has no welfare. Minnesota has one of the highest welfare rates. In fact, Minnesota has one of the highest tax rates period. Net: What’s a few extra dollars when you get so much in return? A buncha ingrates on the rolls only adds to our “cultural diversity.” Fireworks and moonshine are both legal in Wisconsin. Net: Two words: road trip. The University of Wisconsin-Madison ranked 34th by U.S. News and World report. The University of Minnesota ranked 118th. Net: At least Minnesotans can count that high. Wisconsin has I-HOPs. Wisconsin has, *gasp*, a public transportation system. Now, mind you, I’m from Minnesota, but when I finally stopped to consider what Minnesota has over Wisconsin, I realized the answer: nothing. Net: Whatever happens, wherever this crazy world takes us, Minnesota will always, always have International Falls. Next.
As for sports, I can think of no bigger waste of genes than those losers who spend ludicrous amounts of money endorsing a bunch of guys they don’t know and have nothing in common with. Net: Sure, the Twins suck. We feel your pain. But can’t we all just get along? Ever since the days of ancient Greece, it has been common practice for rich men to form teams and associate them with city-states to entertain the common masses. These entertainments were used to pacify the illiterate, disease- and poverty-ridden people from rising up and doing something in their lives other than filling the pockets of rich, white men. Net: Let’s go Timberwolves!!! To let a few dozen guys you don’t know and have nothing in common with get between your relationship is sad and pathetic. Who cares if ___ team wins? Net: Sk246>l Vikings!!! Are lives saved or lost or changed? Are diseases cured? Why should some men throwing balls around affect anyone so much? Net: You drop three-large on a missed free throw, then come back and say that. You’ll be blubberin’ like a sororitite with chipped toenail paint. Which brings me to my point. Are there any men out there in Minnesota who don’t join like athletics? Net: Like, whatever. Does any guy out there NOT wear baseball caps and a flannel shirt? Net: We wear only clear vinyl and tin foil. And the cutest pair of red pumps you’ve ever seen … Is there any Minnesotan I could have children with, without worrying about passing on their loser-gene? Net: Are we talking about sports again? Go Gophers!!! If there is, where are you hiding? Where does the resistance live and thrive? Net: Somewhere far, far away from the author of the next entry, wethinks …
TOODLES!
From PeeWee (pronounced with an “UMPTY”): Well, I have officially struck out. It seems that a certain Muppet-loving friend of mine has up and decided to move out to Los Angeles without so much as a farewell bit-o-action. Net: We swear, if Yudof doesn’t kiss us square on the mouth when we leave, we’ll feel cheated. My past four years of dedicated, heart-felt, and diligent macking have come to naught. Net: In the name of all that is decadent and wooly, don’t leave us hangin’, Mark! This is a new experience for the ol’ Peester, since women tend to swoon and liquefy in my presence. But of course, the only woman I’ve ever wanted (mostly for the bragging rights) just ain’t havin’ any of this. Net: We know you’re married and have that whole Eastcliff thing going on, but it’s just a kiss! Now I could take this rejection with the usual grace and dignity that I exemplify, or I could gorge myself on Baked Beans and Goldschlager. Both good options to be sure, but I think I have come up with a viable third alternative I’d rather try. Net: We can be discreet. We need not share our tender moment of love and affection with anyone besides the audience at Williams Arena … As of today, I am officially whoring myself out to the entire female population of the University of Minnesota. Yes, that’s right ladies, now any one of you can experience the thrill ride that sorority girls have been raving about for the past four years. Net: Thrill ride in the Six-Flags-puke-when-you’re-done-mega-coaster sense or in the Valleyfair-soaking-wet-Flume sense? You don’t need to worry either, I’ve been on the penicillin for three months now, and the good people at Boynton say I am no longer infectious. Net: They said the same thing about us, Uncle Yudie! Now pucker up! This offer is only good for three weeks though, since after graduation I shall be devoting myself to a monastic life in Nepal. So come on, help out a poor frat boy in dealing with his pain over losing his best friend to the glitz and glamour of the West Coast. Net: We someday (maybe) shall leave this campus as well, though we lament we must leave our Marky Mark behind. But not ’til we get our smooch! We’ve been payin’ the bills, takin’ the tests and beautifyin’ the U with our very presence, and a little spit-swappin’ should not be so much to ask.