“The Twilight Saga: New Moon” sucks … your blood.

No, wait. It just sucks.

Oh, the insufferable longing!
PHOTO COURTESY SUMMIT ENTERTAINMENT

Oh, the insufferable longing! PHOTO COURTESY SUMMIT ENTERTAINMENT

Tony Libera

âÄúThe Twilight Saga: New MoonâÄù DIRECTED BY: Chris Weitz STARRING: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner. RATED: PG-13 SHOWING: Area theaters ThereâÄôs a buzz in the air as the clock winds down to show time; preteen Hot Topic lovers donning Jacob and Edward shirts gab fanatically about how positively wonderful the movie will be, laughing at vampire related anecdotes and turning to butter over the simple mention of Robert PattinsonâÄôs name. The screen formats to the correct frame, the lights dim and a thunderous wail surpassing that of the mythic banshee fills the air, deafening anyone in a 20 mile radius. Once upon a time it took The Beatles to evoke this response, maybe The Stones . Yet somehow, against all natural law and order, that power has been corrupted and transferred to âÄúThe Twilight Saga: New Moon,âÄù the most lackluster and repetitive entry into vampire fiction yet. âÄúNew MoonâÄù wastes no time diving into the mud of tedium, as hopeless damsel Bella laments her âÄî gasp âÄî 18th birthday, considering the terrible fact that she will continue to age while her beloved Edward Cullen , a pasty vampire with perfectly disheveled hair, stays eternally young. Edward, only making matters worse for our worrisome Bella, has decided, rather arbitrarily, to leave town, as it is the only way to keep her safe âĦ or something. The nonsensical character actions move us through the story and soon the plot gets muddled. External conflict becomes almost nonexistent and the only problems that arise are those that these foolish characters have created for themselves. Sure, internal drama is a key trait of some of the best stories, but âÄúNew MoonâÄù makes it both boring and nauseating. YouâÄôve got to hand it to director Chris Weitz ; somehow heâÄôs managed to make a film about vampires âÄî bloodletting demons that serve as a metaphor for humanityâÄôs most primal passions âÄî that lacks blood, gruesome killing, sex or even the slightest tinge of tragedy. The storyâÄôs central issue is time, in its many profound facets, and Weitz does a little magic trick with comical-if-they-werenâÄôt-so-self-indulgent slow motion shots and cyclical pans that make two hours seem like an eternity. OK, maybe itâÄôs not WeitzâÄôs fault. After all, he doesnâÄôt have much of a source to work from. He canâÄôt take all the blame for the grab bag of plotlines that stumble around without a destination. The film starts, quickly reaches a static plateau of melodrama and then rides the line of inaction without any buildup or cathartic climax. If vampirism really is a symbol for sexual desire, then the makers of âÄúNew MoonâÄù have created the perfect metaphor for blue balls; itâÄôs two hours of shirtless werewolf-on-vampire foreplay, ultimately lacking in release. It seems the only person reaching any climax in this film is Pattinson, whose awkward facial expressions and somber American accent give the appearance of a man who just ejaculated in his pants. Pattinson certainly wins the award for weirdest looking teen heartthrob in history, but itâÄôs his dialogue that really makes him insufferable. Aside from stating the most obvious of points, repeatedly, he spews out ham like, âÄúItâÄôs my job to protect you,âÄù before casually staining his LeviâÄôs. His werewolf foil, Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner), tries his best to fill the void left by EdwardâÄôs swift disappearance, and for a while he succeeds. Lautner can pull off the amiable chum routine just fine, but when it comes to playing a feral wolf-man he falls apart. Kristen Stewart , who plays Bella Swan (candidate for cheesiest fictional name ever), is the only one in this rickety production who has even a hint of acting talent. Still, the script does its best to make her detestable, as she sits in her room, moping over trivial points, constantly prodding Edward for some positive affirmation. ItâÄôs a mystery as to why any parent would want their daughter identifying with such a helpless and whiny female. ItâÄôs even more of a mystery as to why any girl would want to identify with Bella. Somewhere Judith Butler is having a fit. The fact that people truly enjoy these films is the real issue with âÄúThe Twilight Saga.âÄù You can say itâÄôs fun, you can say you unabashedly enjoy the cheese factor, but at the end of the day, âÄúNew MoonâÄù and Robert Pattinson are the tween generationâÄôs âÄúThe Wild OneâÄù and Marlon Brando respectively. And that is just depressing. 1.5/5 Stars