Dear Dr. Date,
This is something I wrote for Valentine’s Day.
Women are interesting creatures. There is nothing on this planet more beautiful than a woman, yet a great deal of them don’t seem to know that. I was talking with a girl recently who was amazed that she hadn’t cried herself to sleep in almost 5 days. What she told me was probably one of the saddest things I have ever heard. Here was this girl, beautiful and charming, having so much stress in her life that it had become commonplace to cry herself to sleep. I have heard countless other girls talk about how they feel fat or ugly, but more often than not, they are neither. It always seems that the best girls have a hard time dealing with how really good they are. I am trying to find an answer as to why this is, but the best I can figure out is that society pressures them into feeling like they are never good enough. This is ludicrous. Women are amazing in a thousand different ways, but I won’t bore you with them all. Why all women aren’t lesbians is beyond me, except for the whole propagation of the species thing. How can girls be attracted to men, with their lumpy bodies and odd shape? Women are supple and lithe, like water or a really neat plant. It’s not that I am against the whole heterosexuality thing; hell, I am all for it. It’s just that some things defy explanation.
I hope I didn’t turn too many ladies into lesbians with that little diatribe back there. I wouldn’t want to ruin too many men’s lives, including mine, by depleting a valuable resource.
This goes out to all women: 9.9 times out of 10, you are much more attractive than you think. You are a gift to us men, and most of us do not appreciate you enough — some not at all. Find one who does, and hold on. And to you men with girlfriends, listen up. For whatever reason, your girlfriend has decided you are the best of what’s available. Cherish that and be sure as hell not to squander it. Because it really should be a capital crime to ruin a woman.
–Hopeless Romantic (emphasis on the hopeless)

I know you mean well, but there’s something creepy about idolizing women the way you do in this letter. There’s nothing wrong with being female positive, but women are just human beings, after all. Each woman has her own faults and sparkles. If you put all women up on a pedestal just because they are women, you aren’t treating them like the real people they are.
(Dr. Date’s Spring Mixer returns! The legend continues March 3 at the Weisman Art Museum!)