Walking on water, beer or even air will become common while jaywalking will become a thing of the past.
The laws of physics, often called the most universal laws in the Universe, were revoked Thursday morning in preparation for the upcoming apocalypse. Martial law will be instituted to manage all those fools who just can’t control themselves. For students, faculty members and staff at the University, this means adapting to enormous change.
“I’m flying,” said Carlson School of Management senior Joseph Walabee. “You seriously have got to try this. Man, this is better than money, better than money!” Walabee, who had forgotten that the laws of physics govern much more than just gravity, then burst into flames and hasn’t been seen since.
The effects of the waning laws of physics became apparent throughout campus as people gradually discovered that things just didn’t work like they were supposed to.
“Man, I was wake’n’baking at around 10:30 p.m.,” said burnout and eight-year senior Oliver Terwallinger. “So I went to hit the bong, and it was like, woosh, water. I thought, whoa, that acid was better than I thought last night, you know, man?”
Terwallinger then woke up his girlfriend, Lolita Brown, and told her to try the bong.
“Man, she sat up, sat up some more and just kept sittin’. Shoot, she just floated right out of the window. I swear that is the last time I drop liquid; that sh*t is pooootaant!”
And while Terwallinger did not make it to campus Thursday, many more serious students did.
It was tears, breaking beakers and burning lab coats in the Tate Laboratory of Physics, where about 200 physics students and professors met Thursday afternoon to discuss what they have deemed to be a crisis.
Professor Harry Johnson sweat heavily while he pointed to a dirty chalkboard.
“Watch this,” he cried as he then tried to throw a piece of chalk across the packed auditorium. His arm hurled the chalk like a professional baseball pitcher, but the chalk dropped to the ground and melted.
“AHHHH!” he screamed. “For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.” Then he burst into flames.
Some professors were more collected than Johnson and explained why the physical laws are so important.
“Well, these are the laws that control the universe, not just the University,” said professor Wilma Wiggins. “Without them, we will have no order. It will be chaos, like the apocalypse. Oh yeah, that’s right. Umm, I guess I’m going to go sit on a rooftop somewhere and watch it all go down. See you in hell, suckers.”
The National Guard has been called in to maintain order, but local pilots said it is unlikely that they will do much good.
“Seriously, man. How do you expect them to fly planes or fire guns without physics?” asked retired Air Force Pilot Richard Strong. “I mean, we are seriously screwed here.”
But while the end is near and everyone should be preparing for their final judgment, many people have discovered that flying across the Mississippi River or walking on water is really a lot of fun.
“Wooohoooooo,” cried dozens of unidentified floating people who avoided the walk across the Washington Avenue Bridge. “Weeee, yeeehaw!”
Jose Cuervo welcomes comments at many campus bars.