A new survey in the University’s political science department shows that 95 percent of students don’t give a shit about percentages regarding public opinion.
“I don’t care,” said music student Ida Wanna, upon being asked, “Do you think public opinion polls help people to make intelligent decisions about political issues?”
The survey broke the students into subgroups. Here is the breakdown:
Eighty-five percent of people with green hair said “Hell no,” while 99 percent of people who wear black expressed “great dissatisfaction with the political science department.” A surprising amount of philosophy professors disapproved of surveys in general, while statistics professor Nam Burr sharply defended them, saying that “without public opinion polls, nobody would know what he ought to be thinking.” How true.
Further breaking down results, surveyors found that virtually everyone thinks that taking a survey about surveys is “an incredibly useless idea” and “a waste of our tax dollars. Man, the newspaper shouldn’t even waste their ink on reporting this crap.”
Ironically, nine of 10 Minnesota Daily editors “don’t understand why the chief would hire the idiot who thinks this is newsworthy. The little prig must have got in good with some folks in high places.”
With the exception of people with green hair, this low opinion of surveys dominates off campus as well. Ursula Smith, an old person who lives in Mendota Heights, was quite outspoken on the subject,
“In my day, we had to come up with our own damn opinions. You young people are weak in the conviction department. Ooh! Ooh! Shut up! Jesse Ventura is on the boob tube! You know, he’s very popular with people between the ages of 60 and 85.”
Long-term effects of this survey on opinion surveys remains to be surveyed.