Net: To start off today:
From Winks: Ahh, Net. Thank the maker Net: Kim Milford? for the most blessed of all holidays. Thanksgiving. Not only for the football, the feasts, the financial support from the parents, the way turkey makes us all slip into deep comas only to dream of pumpkin pie and that dancer at the Vu last night … she folded a dollar bill into a little paper swan without even using her hands Net: She must have agile buttocks … but that’s neither here nor there … but most importantly, putting a necessary halt to the overwhelming assault on society known as the Christmas season. I’m beginning to think those trashy neighbors that leave lights up all year have the right idea … soon we’ll be celebrating Christmas in mid-October (everyone knows Halloween is the lowest of all holidays; no time off school or work … sheesh). At least Mother Nature was kind enough to spew her frosty discharge across God’s green earth in advent of one of the busiest traffic days of the year … and I know those gully crabs running our motor vehicles department planned the ramp meter shut down during the holiday season to prove what any incompetent CSOM droog already knows … metered ramps are for our own good. … But what am I doing? … Thanksgiving is about giving thanks. And I’d like to thank my professors for giving me work to do over my incredibly lengthy vacation … and that amazing woman at the party this weekend for giving me … well … youknowwhati’mgettin’at … Happy Thanksgiving Net! Net: We couldn’t have said it better. Wait, actually we could have said in much better Á nevermind
Net: In honor of the upcoming vacation, we are putting Network on auto-pilot with the Commodore 64 Automatic Content Distorter 3000. This wonderful device will take the original intent of a letter and twist it in horrible, horrible ways. Items it changes will be in [brackets]. Have a good holiday [in your mom’s bed]. As we received many letters, the type size has been reduced to include as much pointless bickering as possible!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
C64ACD: Powering up Á systems check nominal. Distortion commencing Á
From SuperMeGaDoNKeyPuNCh: First off, I want to thank you, Network, last night was the best sex I’ve ever had. Having said that, I too have been drawn into the [incredibly uninteresting] dispute on the [sexual prowess] that the IT students may possess. I must [touch] Silencerstallion: nerds make the best lovers. As a [woman of ill repute] who’s been around the block a few times (namely Lake Street) I must say that the best loving I’ve ever gotten has not been from [Mark Yudof] or [Clem Haskins] but from Dorks with a capital D (see above statement concerning last night). Sure, their [dry, itchy skin] may still crack, and they know every [phone book] by heart, but they are natural Cassanovas. Those years of masturbating [to Princess Leia in Star Wars] culminate in impressive [stains] ready to be unleashed on lucky college women. Most come to college completely [inebriated], and so I get to [steal their U-Passes]. Virgins, I love ’em! And ladies, think of the hours, days, nay, years spent playing [canasta] and typing on computers. Imagine the dexterity in those [lumpy flesh sacks]. It is a sensation that truly must be [forgotten] *ahem* first hand. I’m getting all [nauseous] just thinking about it. I must be off to tear my nerdy boyfriend from [his Nicole Branagh poster] (a side to all IT geeks: if you have not experienced the awesome power of [Nicole Branagh], do so! [Her spike-blocking power] is amazing and [her playmaking ability] is [admirable]) and make him give me [candied] pleasures, but listen to me and love your fellow nerds, after all, without them, there would be no [procreation], and hence no Network! And where would we be then? Eat a lot of [NUT] this weekend, and to all you vegetarians out there, you can suck my NUT, and then eat some turkey! Thank you.
From J&J’s Gigantor Racks: Hey der, ho der!!! We would just like to comment on the spectacular [photos of my mother] that have been in the Network lately. They are just so original and [strangly arousing]! Actually, that’s enough sarcasm for our left hips. The entries have been [exceedingly thought-provoking] recently! Is there anything original to discuss anymore? It’s all been done and keeps repeating in this [erotic circular way]. Now we have the whole controversy with IT students and Abbey Someone who is just sitting back relishing the [candied yams] that she has created. Who even cares? We are not meaning to [run over small children with our cars]. We would just like to point out the [food in your teeth]. There are enough stereotypes for the various college students to go around our asses and then some! Ain’t no thang but a chicken wang, ya’ll … and J.T.’s huge breasts! Peace out, yo!
From Pixee to SweetKillerBees: Oh looky, it’s the [soft] parade (oh yeah, hi network. [Please have our children]). Thank you so much for expressing such [anger] for the IT students and their lack of [quality free time]. We’ll put all [reason] aside, okay? However, I’d like to point out that you [are very attractive]. To classify every IT student as an X-Files watching, computer game-playing, lonely D&D freak is completely [confusing]. Why couldn’t you focus on even a couple GOOD stereotypes, like them being [odorus] and [malignant]? Now, I myself [have not reached puberty], but I have a certain respect for ALL colleges (yes, even GC) and the students involved. Like [Jan Gangelhoff] would say, [We dreamed of creating the world’s most powerful Pokemon .. .and we succeeded]. We’re a collection of student ID numbers, and as much as you’d like to believe that you’re better than [Easy-E], SweetKillerBees, you’re not. I’d actually say you’re worse for playing the [sitar]. Why don’t you round up some more freshman sheep to teach the ancient art of [war].
From Wildchild: Dear Net, loyal readers, and loathsome [hellbeasts]. It’s time to settle this little argument once and for all. It is obvious that the collective supports the [woman’s right to choose]. This is shown through the overwhelming number of [children it has], and the feeble quality of the few that do make it through. To ITStudentDogcow, there are only two reasons that you turned down this alleged “threesome offer.” 1, [You had class]. 2. You (Having unnatural foresight for and IT student) realized immediately that it was a [trap], and to spare yourself [incarceration and possible torture], turned it down right off the bat. I was in the [shower] a few weeks ago on a dare, and I picked up a little of the IT mother tongue on my excursion, and I have a [FTD gift basket] for Silencerstallion. [Popularity] is inversely proportional to [number of Creed albums owned]. To the rest of us, that means his attitude is making up for other shortcomings …
Now that I’ve [not] settled that dispute, I address another. I agree with Buckaroo that [Timex] has the ability to make computers well, but out of sheer stupidity I will continue to use [an abacus]. Note: computers are to only be used for cool things like looking up porn and visiting [www.cat-scan.com]. Nothing dorky. Oh yes, [Laika] kicks ass. Anyone else who has heard of them, I salute you.
Net: Have a nice [beer] everybody. Be sure to write in with your [unbelievably boring] Thanksgiving stories!
